Will you be reenacting The Hangover at this bachelor party?


cc licensed ( BY NC SD ) flickr photo shared by pynomoscato

Good day, everyone!

On Saturday, the Significant Other went to a bachelor party.

We had this gem of a conversation on Friday night and I just had to share it with you.

Enjoy!

Significant Other: “Don’t forget tomorrow is Larry’s bachelor party.”

Me: “An Alzheimer’s sufferer wouldn’t forget given the amount of times you’ve mentioned it this past week.”

Significant Other: “I’m just making sure that ten minutes before I walk out the door, I’m not met with the ‘Why are you springing this on me last minute?’ speech.”

Me: “Maybe that happens because springing things last minute is your strategy for getting away with murder.”

Significant Other: “Yeah, like I go out so much with the ball and chain you’ve attached to my ankle. I should warn Larry that being married is like wearing an electronic monitoring device.”

Me: “I’ll remember you said that the next time I have to cook. So what activities do you guys have planned before Larry gets fitted with his own device?”

Significant Other: “I don’t know. Larry’s brother is in charge of the festivities.”

Me: “Are you practicing your escape and evade tactic again? Is this your way of keeping me in the dark about your plan to reenact the movie, The Hangover?”

Significant Other: “Now there’s a thought. Hand me the phone. I’m calling Larry’s brother to suggest it.

Me: “Yes, by all means. I’ll alert the media that a bunch of middle age men are having a mid-life crisis simultaneously and that a monkey and a tiger may be involved.”

Significant Other: Don’t forget to mention that I bear a striking resemble to Bradley Cooper.

Me: “You mean, Bradley Pooper? You don’t even resemble the guy who gets his tooth yanked out AFTER he’s had his tooth yanked out.”

Significant Other: “You’d better pray there aren’t any exotic dancers at this bachelor party or they’re gonna want to be all over this.” (Makes circular gesture around his midsection)

Me: “You mean, with a can of Mace?”

Significant Other: “You wish. Lucky for you Larry’s brother told me we’re keeping it on the low down.”

Me: “You mean, on the ‘down low’?”

Significant Other: “Whatever. We’re renting Mopeds and cruising the city.”

Me: “Dear God. Now this I have to see! A bunch of middle-aged men driving around the roundabout on Mopeds. It’s too bad I strive for a certain level of anonymity on my blog or I’d tape you fools and post the video. I’m sure that would guarantee me a few laughs.”

Significant Other: “Like you aren’t already scheming to post this conversation on your blog.”

Me: “You know it. So are there going to be any strippers at the bachelor party?”

Significant Other: “I don’t think so. Larry’s not into that stuff.”

Me: “Unless Larry’s gay, I’m sure he’s into it. You don’t really expect me to believe you guys are just going to sit in a circle singing Kumbaya while you braid each other’s hair, do you?”

Significant Other: “I don’t think there’s going to be any strippers. Now strips clubs, I can’t guarantee.”

Me: “As long as you’re not tucking any of my hard earned money into some stripper’s G-string.

Significant Other: “Don’t you mean, MY hard earned money?”

Me: “Hey, what’s yours is mine and what’s mine is yours.”

Significant Other: “Great. That makes me the proud joint owner of a box of old books and the three year old laptop you’re sharing with the Son.”

Me: “Don’t forget the seven year old point-and-shoot.”

Significant Other: “I bought that.”

Me: “Same thing.”

Significant Other: “Yeah, right.”

Me: “So, who’s the designated driver?”

Significant Other: “The taxi driver.”

Me: “Am I to assume you fools won’t be drinking and driving your Mopeds into oncoming traffic?”

Significant Other: “Nope. That’s why the Mopeds are the first thing on our activities roster.”

Me: “And are you stealing a monkey?”

Significant Other: “Of course not!”

Me: “Good. Cause there’s no money to pay for an implant if someone pulls your tooth out for stealing a monkey.”

Significant Other: “Is that what happened in the movie?”

Me: “I don’t remember, but it might be what happens in your reenactment.”

Significant Other: “I should phone Larry’s brother to call dibs on Bradley Cooper’s character.”

Me: “Pooper. You’re calling dibs on Bradley Pooper!”

Significant Other: “Bite me.”

Me: “I think the monkey should have the honor.”

Significant Other: “Don’t get jealous when women are lining up for my autograph.”

Me: “Don’t forget to sign your name, Bradley Pooper. With a P.”

Significant Other: “Hater.”

Me: “Poser.”

Significant Other: “Lets call this one a draw.”

Me: “Only if you sign your pretend name with a P.”

When was the last time your significant other went to a bachelor party?

Note: Names have been changed to protect the clueless. Clueless as in, they don’t know I’m writing this.

Is there sexual chemistry in The Tourist?

So I saw the film “The Tourist” last night.

I saw it in spite of the fact that I’m not an Angelina Jolie fan (even if I’m crazy about Johnny Depp).

However, this sexy man is not what drove me to see this flick. Instead, I went to verify if what the critics are saying is true.

And what are the critics saying, you may ask?

That there’s absolutely no sexual chemistry between Angelina and Johnny.

Loud gasps are heard.

Totally wanting to be the judge or whether this is true or not, I bought tickets for the significant other and myself.

The verdict? I would be hard pressed to affirm whether there was any chemistry or not given Jolie’s character and Depp’s only exchange one or two insipid kisses.

The significant other, completely devastated at the absence of a steamy shower sex scene that he claimed was supposed to have been part of the script, gave both actors a zero in sexual chemistry.

“Not fair,” I argued. “We should at least give them a one for the half-assed kiss they exchanged in one of the scenes.”

“The one where she almost swallows him whole with her blow fish lips?”

“That’s the one.”

“Okay, give ‘em a one.”

But seriously ladies, the reason the critics don’t feel there’s any sexual chemistry is cause there is no sex in the film. It’s lacking in anything that even remotely resembles sexual tension.

There’s a part in the film where Depp’s character is supposed to open a safe and before he does, Angelina mouths out, or attempts to whisper something to him.

I was convinced she mouthed out, “Five, twelve, two.” The combination number to the safe?

However, what she’s really mouthing is “I love you.” That’s how much chemistry there was.

And while Johnny Depp is smokin’ hot, somehow he doesn’t do much for me in this film.

His hair looks like it hasn’t been washed in a week, he’s sporting a scraggly beard and he’s kind of doing that Pirates of the Caribbean voice of his that I find so annoying.

But worst of all? They’ve got him wearing pajamas. Yes, ladies, pajamas. Shudder.

As for Angelina, she’s weighing all of ninety pounds and looking so emaciated that half way through the film, I wanted to call for an intermission so someone could feed the poor woman a cheeseburger.

I swear all you could focus on were her gigantic lips and protruding collar-bone.

There’s one scene where the camera does a close up of her ass, or lack of, and I had to struggle with the significant other who continued to loudly exclaim, “That’s it. I want my money back. This woman has no ass.”

Where in the world had the fit and sexy Laura Croft gone and who was this living skeleton?

Trust me, it was scary.

Oh, and did I mention the lack of action in the supposed “action” scenes? Nada. Zero. Zilch.

There’s a boat scene where the bad guys are chasing Angelina and Depp and halfway through it, I found my head jerking backwards, like when you fall asleep for a second and your brain wakes you up to avoid your neck from snapping?

That’s how boring the action was.

Lack of action and bad aesthetics aside, the film does have its quirky moments. I counted two times where we were able to half chuckle.

Thank goodness for Paul Bettany and the amazing, beautiful shots of Venice.

The significant other give it a half thumbs up. I give it one thumb down.

Have you seen the film? If so, what did you think of it?