As I surmise the contents of my closet for tonight’s dinner party, Jenny from the Block whines in my headphones how she’s “throwing on her Louboutins”.
Girfriend’s screeching reminds me that since Manolo, Choo or Louboutin haven’t found their way into my armoire, I have to find a pair of high heels to wear to the event.
God forbid that even when clogs are making a comeback, I show up at a four-fork restaurant looking like a Dutch farmer.
No, there has to be something in this dark hole that remotely resembles the much coveted teeter toters worn by half the planet’s female population.
Out come ballet flats, running shoes (that have never stepped a foot on the track), sensible pumps, a pair of Chucky Taylors and three pairs of flip flops, yet no sign of the stiletto’s my significant other yearns to see me in.
I stop mid-search and ask myself who I’m kidding. I mean, even if I mentally conjured a pair of you-will-surely-break-a leg-tonight fancy schmancies, there was no way I am going to wear them.
Which brings me to today’s question, “What drives women, and even some men, to wear this sadistic contraption all for the sake of appearing to have longer legs?
Yes, while you may be quasi successful in adding five or six inches to your stature, you still have to consider how you are voluntarily and quite willingly taking your hips and spine out of alignment.
I can see it now.
The setting: Thirtieth Class Reunion.
Someone whose name I don’t remember:”Wow, Bella, since when have you been wearing that back brace?”
Me: “What, this? It’s nothing. Just the result of “Throwing on my Louboutins. Hey, wanna see the bunion on my left foot?”
But does this deter my who-is-this-person new bestie? Absolutely not. Instead she proudly shows me a bony deformity she sports in her right heel caused by the strap of her high-heeled Jimmy you-know-whos.
We have to wonder what promotes women to wear these monstruous, torture-inducing punishers.
A form of self-flagellation, perhaps? Self imposed punishment for a naughty deed? Who knows.
However ladies, be warned that too much of a bad thing can only make things worse. We’re talking hammertoes, joint pain in the ball of your foot, impaired balance (remember JLo falling on her ass as she performed her Louboutin song? Do you really wanna go out like that?), tightening of the Achilles tendon and worse of all, numbness of the toes.
And yet, in spite of all these warnings, I know women will proceed to put their health at risk and all for the sake of the long-legged look. But not me. At least not today.
I quickly shove the pile of shoes back into the closet. All except for one pair: my beloved Chuck Taylor’s.
Yep, these’ll do. Now all I have to do is stand on my toes all night.