I was five years old when I was an eye-witness to the horrifying scene of a man wearing a Speedo. I was scarred for life. Sadly, I was again forced to relive my traumatic experience when upon arriving at the beach today, my eyes took in what appeared to be a small army of males dressed in “banana hammocks”.
Which brings me to ask, what possesses some men to believe that a garment that resembles a pair of bikini underpants is acceptable gear to wear in public?
Back in college, I was under the impression that only swimmers in the Olympics should be allowed to wear Speedos. When I became a mother, my beliefs shifted to thinking no male over the age of five should be permitted to commit such a fashion faux pas. And now? Well, I believe no one should come near the dreaded Speedo.
Nevertheless, men of all ages, sizes, and shapes feel it’s their God-given right to subject the rest of the population to “feast” their eyes on their goodies.
I propose it be illegal to wear Speedos anywhere on the planet. Those foolish enough to break that law should be heavily fined and forced to pay for the therapy bills of traumatized witnesses. Furthermore, multiple offenders should be prohibited from visiting any beach, lake, river, public swimming pool, or any other body of water with the exception of their own shower.
But back to today’s spectacle…As my eyes continued to process the scene before me, I couldn’t control the fit of giggles that took over. Suddenly ten pairs of eyes, all male, stopped to give me a dirty look, as if to indicate “I” was the disturbing one, in my modest, one-piece black suit. The nerve.
A dozen or so women joined me in my consternation as they engaged in non-verbal language that included sighs, smirks, and eye rolling. It seemed I wasn’t alone in my displeasure of seeing these ridiculous men in their tiny strips of cloth.
As I lay my towel down, a newcomer made his way to the beach. He was wearing the finest pair of board shorts I have ever seen. Thankfully, it shed light on the fact that not all men have the desire to parade in public wearing Spandex underpants.
When was the last time you witnessed something that made you think WTF?