Vintage Friday


cc licensed flickr photo shared by spettacolopuro

Do all pearls come from the sea?

A friend called me last night and asked if I could give her ideas for a project she was working on. Her daughter is off to college in the fall and she wants to create a collage made up of “pearls of wisdom”. These are supposed to provide insight to her firstborn in this rite of passage.

Did I have any worthy pearls of wisdom, she wanted to know. I hesitated before I answered.

This because the only pearls of wisdom I received from my Mother were: “Always wear clean underwear. You never know when you can be in an accident” and “If you don’t floss your teeth when you’re young, you’ll have to stick them in a glass when you’re old”.

Were these appropriate?

Somehow I didn’t think these would make for very attractive entries, and so I told her to give me a day while I brainstormed.

And brainstorm I did.

I came up with so many pearls of wisdom, it was ridiculous. The exhilaration of “popping” out pearl after pearl made me giddy. But alas, my state of nirvana was to be short-lived.

It was quickly replaced by a black cloud of guilt. I mean, I had never made my daughter a pearls of wisdom collage when she went away to college. Hell, I never even provided her with the two half assed ones my Mother gave me.

And yet here I was, content to be creating pearls of wisdom for someone else’s kid.

Did I have the right? Would my daughter resent me for it? Would my friend’s daughter call my daughter and rat me out?

These feelings were quickly dismissed when I remembered that my daughter never lived in the dorm. She lived at home when she went to college. She lived and breathed my pearls of wisdom on a day-to-day basis.

This realization allowed me to continue in my efforts of cranking out more “pearls”.

Some of which include:

If you don’t can’t walk a straight line, you’re drunk. If you can’t recite the alphabet, you’re really drunk, and if you can’t remember your name, your drunken state has landed you in a state of amnesia.

Never get a tattoo with someone else’s name on it unless it sounds like a cat’s name. That way if something happens, you can say the name belongs to your dear little kitty.

Force yourself to survive an entire day on a saltine cracker and a bottle of water. This way you have better chances at survival if:
a) Your plane crashes and you’re stranded on a desert island.
b) You’re stuck in an elevator for a day.

Always carry a clean pair of underwear in your purse when you travel. That way it will be okay when they tell you your luggage is in The Republic of Cameroon.

Learn how to cook. The person who knows how to cook is always the most popular person.

Know at least one good quote. It may give others the impression you’re smart even if nothing could be farther from the truth.

Never dress head to toe in turquoise blue unless you want to be mistaken for a Smurf.

Practice speaking English with a foreign accent. That way, if some unwelcome stranger tries to hit on you, you can say “Iz not speaken ze English.”

Stay away from guys who fart, burp, belch, and make funny noises with their armpits. Twenty years later they’ll still be farting, burping, belching and making funny noises with their armpits, only they’ll be older, uglier and a million times more obnoxious.

At this point, I have to end this blog post, lest I give away all my good stuff!

However, my friend has allowed me to borrow her idea and incorporate “pearls of wisdom” in my blog.

So, if you’re visiting, passing through, or just clicked on my blog by mistake, please don’t leave without adding your own pearl. You can do so by leaving a comment in the page titled Pearls of Wisdom.

They’ll be much appreciated by the rest of us. Thank you!

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