Is it possible to be friends with an ex?


cc licensed flickr photo shared by JonJon2k8

A friend called me this morning and asked me the following: Do you think it’s possible to be friends with an ex?

However, both she and I knew exactly where the conversation was headed: me arguing the reasons why there isn’t a chance in hell that you can continue an amicable relationship with an old flame and her accusing me of being jaded and bitter.

Then why call and ask for an opinion in the first place?

The answer to that is simple:sometimes we want someone, anyone, to tell us what we want to hear if only to feel supported in whatever decision we’re making, crazy as it might be.

So is it possible to stay buddies with an ex?

I’m valiantly trying to stay objective when answering this question but alas, it’s hard when all the men I’ve been in relationships with in the past have turned out to be world-class jerks.

However, I’m also certain there are those who are quite content to continue in chummy relationships even though they’re no longer romantically linked.

But how in hell do they do that? That’s what I want to know.

My friend claims that her ex contacted her a week ago and requested they go to dinner.

She was surprised to hear from him considering he was the one that broke off the relationship and exited the building with the dramatic warning of “And I never want to see you again!”

Seriously ladies, what could this gentleman possibly want a year later?

While my friend continues to hang on to her rose-colored vision that he’s matured and has finally come to realized the importance of friendship, the rational side of me thinks he’s back in town and is simply trying to score a booty call.

In my humble opinion, it is not in a man’s DNA to want to call a woman just so they can exchange pleasantries and catch up on old times.

Or maybe that’s part of the plan as long as the night ends with a little somethin’ somethin’.

Personally, there hasn’t been a time when I’ve been in a room with an ex where the noble part of me wants to go over and say, “Lets let bygones be bygones.”

On the contrary, most of the time, I’ve been mentally hexing him or clinging frantically to any piece of furniture to keep myself from going at him like Attila the Hun.

(Hey, that’s what happens when you have a passionate nature!)

Nevertheless, there might just be a Mother Teresa among us who wants to cross the room, kiss her ex on both cheeks and cheerfully say, “I’m sending you a “Friend request. Please accept!”

Give me a break.

I say, when it’s over, it’s over.

Finito. Terminado. Game over.

There is no need to call, get together, Tweet, or leave comments on pictures.

And trying to turn yourself into his friend after whatever turmoil you may have survived?

Well…that’s just desperate stupid.

While there’s no need to attack the man in public, I feel we owe it to ourselves to maintain a certain level of dignity and refuse to be sucked into any drama a “new” friendship might bring.

After all, the only time you should look back at the past is when you want to assess how far you’ve come.

And that certainly doesn’t include lugging around the baggage of an ex.

What do you think, ladies? Friendship with an ex, yay or nay?

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26 thoughts on “Is it possible to be friends with an ex?

  1. I am friend with all my ex’s but they were never very serious things in the first place really. Except one that was a 2yr, we still talk too… hes becoming a lawyer…

  2. I think it depends on the circumstances in which you broke up… where both of you liked each other’s company but decided that things weren’t exactly working out for both of you, that kind of thing. Not too serious relationships where you were dating for a couple of weeks, maybe…

    But that kind of relationship where he storms out in a huff and says, “I never want to see you again!”

    No. Not in any chance. No way, no how. I would not want to have a friendship with someone who put me through all that.

  3. In my husband’s case, he is not friends with any of his exes. One girl actually became my friend! They only dated for a few months, didn’t have sex, and amicably broke up, so the situation was less complicated. Darin and she are friendly, and she ended up marrying his friend! But I do agree with you on the whole. A question for you- do you think it is healthy to be friends with an ex? I kinda don’t know.

    1. Louise, I don’t think it’s healthy for ME to be friends with an ex because whenver I’ve been involved in a break up, there’s been way too much drama. I would probably end up tackling him or him tackling me and no, that would not result in a healthy outcome! :)

  4. I’m with Abby & the naysaying group, especially in this case. She’d be stirring up a hornet’s nest with that dude. Way too risky. Perhaps he’s feeling guilty for having left her that way, and now he want to assuage that guilt? Perhaps it’s all about him?

  5. I’m amicable with at least one ex. But dinner? No way. And it’s been 10 years since we dated and we are both married with kids and comment on each others kids’ pictures on Facebook. I don’t think it’s sick, but I am careful about what is said and would never agree to get everyone together. That would just be weird.

    1. I agree, Jess. There are times when you’re given the impression that much as you’d like, the outcome would just be too weird.

  6. All my relationships ended badly. None of my ex want to be friends with me.

    I fear that the next guy I meet might be on good terms with not 1 but a few of his exes. This is how karma bites you in the ass. Me, I mean bite me…

  7. Well i am of the opinion that he must want something in order for him to ask her out for dinner again. It might not be anything major. Maybe it is HIS new year resolution to be chummy with his ex-es and that is his first step to a new him this year. But then again, he might also have ulterior motives. Cynical much? Yeah that’s me. No guy calls his ex out a year later to have a simple and pure dinner! I’ve only been managed to stay friends with an ex out of the few relationships I’ve had but even then we are only on talking terms if we see each other online, we don’t specially ask each other out to hang out.

  8. I was friends with my first boyfriend. The fact that I think he is now gay might have something to do with it. No, I didn’t turn him gay. *lol*

    I did try the “lets be friends” with another ex of mine. That didn’t work out so hot. We because “friends with benefits” and that didn’t work for me.

  9. I’m not “friends” with any of my ex’s. I may be FB “friends” or we may have run into each other since our breakup and been civil to one another. But a true “friendship”?!?! Nope. Why bother?
    I pretty much agree with you. “I never want to see you again” seems pretty final. Doesn’t seem like someone that would utter those words is worth her time… even a year later.

    Leaving the House in THIS?!?!

    1. I like the distinction you make between friends and friendly. Oh, and I totally agree. I think it would be easier for me to assimilate that an ex was now gay. Somehow the ego issues would be totally different!

  10. Negative once its over its over why would u want to engage in any conversation with the person who terminated a relationship because he thought u had no great conversation or shit to say in the first place? I say no conversation save it for the real divo who is willing to give u his undivided attention over a great bottle of Brunello Di Montalcino in some small town in Siena thats what I ‘m talkin about ladie’s tell’em Bella !!!

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