Vintage Wednesday: Where’s the panic button?


cc licensed flickr photo shared by TranceMist

As I walked by a shop window today, I realized it’s that time again.

And by that time, I mean the time when I have to be strong and prepare for the moment.

And by moment, I mean when I finally realize there’s nothing I can do.

Because like the Terminator, it’s back.

The one I call my nemesis, my enemy, my foe; the one that taunts me, laughs at me, and wiggles a finger and says, “Oh no you didn’t!”

It’s here…the bathing suit. It’s here!

(screams of horror in the background)

I’m certain we’ve all made its acquaintance.

We all bear its scars.

I know I still wake up in the middle of the night screaming from our last encounter.

Nevertheless, the time has to come for me to face my fears.

It’s time I stand up to the bully and declare, “Someone’s going down today and it ain’t gonna be me!”

And so I walked into the shop and bravely grabbed the little monster from the rack.

I could hear it snickering….giggling…but I powered on, determined that this time around I would prevail.

Into the dressing room I went.

I quickly peeled off all my clothes before I lost whatever courage I had left.

I put my legs through and started to tug.

A minute later, screams of victory were heard as I succeeded getting it past my knees.

Like a slippery eel I wiggled and wiggled until I got the straps into place.

With eyes squeezed shut, I faced the mirror.

I tried to slow down my heart rate by doing the Lamaze breathing exercises I had learned for the Son’s birth twenty years ago.

I realized they weren’t working.

I started praying a Hail Mary.

I opened one eye half way.

I closed it again.

“Is everything alright in there?” asked the sales associate.

“Yes,” I nervously replied as I searched for a defibrillator in the tight confinement of the dressing room.

I should have known this was a bad idea.

What was I thinking?

I heard my mother’s voice in my head screaming, “Oh for heaven’s sake, it’s like ripping off a band-aid. What the hell are you waiting for?”

And that’s when I saw myself in the mirror.

Suddenly the dressing room started spinning, my knees buckled, my lower lip began to quiver, and I started to hyperventilate.

About to pass out from shock, I heard myself whisper, “Where’s the panic button?”

Dressing room attendant: “Is everything alright in there?”

Me: “Is there a doctor in the house?”

Dressing room attendant: “Yes, but he’s in the next dressing room with another lady. Can you hold on one more minute?”

Me: “Yes. I know Lamaze breathing.”

Dressing room attendant: “Great. Hang on. Help is on the way.”

And so ladies, here’s to raising awareness to a brand new situation.

This time I propose that the swim suit be fitted with the following label:

“Warning: Trying on this garment can be harmful to your physical and/or mental state and should only be tried on while in the company of someone who’s qualified to administer CPR and/or is able fit you into a straightjacket.”

Holler if you’re with me.

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22 thoughts on “Vintage Wednesday: Where’s the panic button?

  1. I’m laughing again… but I’m also remembering I need at least a new bikini for summer season, so I’m not laughing so much!!
    (and yes, I wear bikinis, and so does my mom!)
    besos & bikinis

    1. Good for you, Mrs. Allnut! We need strong women like you and your mom to lead the way! I live for the day where I will have enough courage to wear a two piece. I’m afraid it won’t be in this lifetime. :(

  2. Bella, I utterly agree again! I *knew* you were a kindred spirit. =) In preparation for Operation Swimsuit Sexiness, I have already started exercising and eating well!

    ps. Lands End, although frightful with some of their clothes, have really cute and well made swimsuits that last more than a season! =)

    1. Mona, I’m with you, girl. While Lands End might scare us to death with some of their “fashion” wear, I can vouch for their tote bags, and homeware. My sister bought one of their bathing suits and I believe she still has it—and she bought it ten years ago! :) Seriously though, I hear they have good “minimizer” suits. Where the extra “surplus” goes, I haven’t a clue, but they say their suits are next to miraculous!

    1. Dee, I have a sister who thinks just like you regarding this. She will not go ten feet near the water if she’s not wearing swim shorts or some sort of wrap over her swim suit. I find it hard to swim and feel at ease in the water with the extra cover. However, the problem arises when I have to exit the water! :)

    1. Heidi, my sister, I knew I could count on you to holler back! :) I think we should turn the old tank top and short combo into some sort of fierce fashion statement. What do you think? :)

  3. Bella, I could see the scenes in my head and could not stop laughing! So much that my hubby kept wanting to know what I was reading and the dogs where looking at me with their heads on the side wondering what was wrong with me. I especially like the part about the doctor in the next dressing room with you doing Lamaze… You crazy girl!
    But sadly, what you wrote, it’s all true. Last time I tried on a “bathing freakin’ suit”, Greenpeace showed up at my dressing room door. Needless to say I did not buy “the” suit. Five years later, my therapist says there is hope I will someday regain a positive image of myself :)

    1. Esther-May, I’m always happy when I can make a reader laugh to the point where their significant other’s curiosity is piqued, and the dogs, well they’re a bonus! hee hee! I have to tell you I laughed out loud with your allusion to Green Peace and the therapist comment! OMG, I’m still laughing! :)

  4. HAHAHA. Oh YES! I totally agree. I HATE HATE HATE trying on swimsuits, even though when I do look cute when I find the right pair. But the process of finding THAT pair is a bitch! I like to wear interesting one-pieces that have either a skirt, some kind of funky neckline/strap detail, or a really cutesy pattern. :)

    1. Laura, I have made a note of all your cute details in the hope that they will act as distractors the next time I have to go into the dressing room with the bathing suit monster. Methinks a cutesy pattern might distract my eyes from focusing on the size of my derriere! hee hee! :)

    1. haha! You have me stitches with your comment! I think I’m getting to the point that if I can make it out of the dressing room to the foyer where the large mirror is, there’s progress! hee hee! :)

  5. Ok so here’s my positive spin on bathing suits. I’ve never been 100% confident in my own figure, but in a bathing suits (one piece) I feel fine. Because I feel it’s a level playing field at beach. Everyone wishes they looked better whether they are skinnier or heavier. It’s just a fact it’s almost the most vulnerable you can be. So I feel fine because we’re all in the same boat. So I don’t worry about how I look because I know for the most part most people are to busy worrying about how they look themselves to notice me and I enjoy the beach and never feel uncomfortable in a bathing suit. Weird right. Now a dressing room is a whole other story it’s just you and the mirror, brutal.

    1. Girl, add to that the bad ligthting, the confined space and no where to run and you’ve got quite the tragic scene! hee hee! My hat comes off to you for your nonchalant attitude beachside! Good for you! And weird it might be, but you’re right. It’s less intimidating to be in a suit when we’re surrounded by everyone in the same outfit then just you and the mirror! :)

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