As the Significant Other and I sat in an outdoor terrace having lunch today, I noticed how this also provided us with the opportunity to people watch.
However, this pleasurable activity quickly turned into an anxiety producing venture as I realized that everywhere I looked, there were women with teeny weeny butts.
Yes, ladies, teeny weeny butts.
As I glanced down at my ginormous butt, insecurity started to rear its ugly head.
However, this time I was strong and managed to stuff critical Bella back in the box before my self-esteem went south.
Because I’m sick of making excuses for the size of my ass.
It’s the cheap underwear I’m wearing.
I’m bloated and yes, so is my ass.
It’s these damn jeans!
You name it, I’ve used it to justify the size of my ass.
But no more.
Ignoring the extensive amount of teeny weeny butts around us, I recalled that thankfully, a “curvy” revolution is taking place.
Everywhere we look, curvaceous women are being featured in magazines, ad campaigns, and even on the catwalk.
And it’s about time.
It’s time we stop feeling the need to constraint, minimize, imprison, and camouflage our asses when the likes of JLo, Beyonce and Vida Guerra proudly strut theirs.
And lets not forget that annoying Kardashian woman, who, when the good Lord was doling out helpings of booty, went up to get second AND third helpings.
Na uh. Enough already.
Personally, I’m done.
Because at the end of the day, the efforts to camouflage my ass are so tiring and subject me to so much stress, that for the past month I’ve had a recurring
nightmare dream, it appears I’ve lost lost consciousness as a result of being encased in a pair of butt-compressing underpants, yet I’ve retained my hearing.
This is what I hear:
Paramedic 1: “Victim appears to have lost consciousness. Breathing is short, quick, and shallow. Heartbeat erratic. Muscles of the rib cage, diaphragm, neck and abdomen seem to be constricted. Proceeding to remove garments.”
Me (still unconscious): “God, no! I’m wearing you know what!”
Paramedic 1: “Having trouble here. In need of assistance.”
Paramedic 2: “Hell, Frank, she’s wearing you know what.”
Paramedic 1: “We don’t get paid enough for this.”
Paramedic 2 on the radio, for all the world to hear: “Requesting further assistance. And bring the hydraulic shears. She’s wearing Spanx.”
Me: Kill me, God. Kill me now.
Seriously, my sisters, I am not going down like that.
So today, even when surrounded by teeny weeny butts, I’m appealing to all big bottom women the world over to say, “This is the way we’re meant to be. We are strong. We are bold. We are invincible. And this may be due to the size of our asses.”
Yes, you heard right.
A group of UK researchers has found that having a large derriere and thighs can be healthy.
It appears people with big bums are less prone to develop Type 2 Diabetes and cardiovascular disease.
I kid you not.
So ladies, rock those jeans any way you like and flaunt the size of your ass.