Why is it that when you do things right, there’s never an audience to witness your accomplishments, but the second you commit the tiniest of infractions, there’s a whole crowd ready to provide an eyewitness account?
This morning was one of those days.
I woke up a bit later than usual and Roxy, who by this time had already activated her third bladder, was eager to get outside.
I quickly threw on a robe, grabbed the house keys, sunglasses, a much-needed cup of coffee, and ran out the door.
It wasn’t until I had gone down a flight of stairs, that I realized I had left Roxy behind.
I could hear her clawing at the door and when I opened it, she appeared to be holding her hind legs together.
Out we scurried but the minute we made it outside, I realized I had left the “poopie” (pronounced poo-pee) bags in the house.
Not wanting to go back upstairs, I carried on remembering that Roxy usually only pees in the morning.
Imagine my dismay when out of nowhere, Roxy decides to empty her bowels on the path leading to the dog park.
I stopped dead in my tracks. Or more accurately, we stopped dead in our tracks, because in less time than it takes to say “poop,” we found ourselves surrounded by three powerful looking seniors, all sporting looks of contempt.
They stared at us in silence and suddenly, shouts were heard.
“Don’t let her get away! I’m coming!”
An elderly woman, driving a battery operated wheelchair hastened to join the circle of women.
“I brought my chair in case she tries to make a run for it!”
“Don’t worry, Martha. We’ve got her cornered.”
I felt like I had fallen down a black hole and into a fantasy world where senior citizens had the strength of Hercules and the speed of The Flash.
Panic started to set in when I saw “Martha” make one of the finger signals the SWAT team makes immediately before breaking into a building.
Roxy, unaware of the little pickle we found ourselves in, let out a sigh of boredom and looked at me as if to say, “I’m done crapping. What are we waiting for?”
I looked at her with a look that said, “Don’t move, bitch. We’re about to be tackled, so get ready to run.”
Yet both of us knew there wasn’t a chance in hell we were going to escape Martha and her battery operated wheelchair.
As they closed in on us, I heard one of them say, “You weren’t planning on leaving that poop there for someone to step in, were you?”
Nervously I whispered, “No, Ma’am.”
Another one said, “Then what are you waiting for? Pick it up.”
I felt like I was back on the playground, surrounded by bullies.
Slowly, I searched my pockets and even my bra, hoping to find a used Kleenex which could be used to pick up the offending poop.
Yet something told me they knew I was just going through the motions; cognizant that my pockets were empty.
“Oh, hurry up and give her a poop bag. The poor woman’s still wearing her bathrobe, for God’s sake.”
“Eileen, I thought we discussed this. We’re not supposed to let them off easy. And this one’s just starting to sweat.”
Magically, a poopie bag was thrust in my face.
I quickly slipped the plastic bag over my hand, scooped the poop, and tossed it into the trashcan.
“We’re watching you,” said Martha, making the same gesture Robert Deniro made to Ben Stiller in “Meet the Parents.”
Cautiously, Roxy and I took three steps back, pivoted, and walked away as fast as our little legs could carry us.
When there was some distance between us I shouted, “FYI, I always scoop my poop! This is the first time I forget my poopie bags.”
All four ladies shouted back in unison, “That’s what they all say!”
Note to self: Nail poopie bags to the front door.
49 thoughts on “Did you forget to scoop?”
Yes, I’m frequently caught without my bags, especially now that we’re raising a service dog and have to travel with him (and his bags) everywhere.
Oh oh! Here’s hoping you don’t encounter a group like the one I did! :)
HA! I’m giggled so much over Martha and the SWAT team signals that I almost knocked kitty off my lap. Not a good thing since her defense is to dig claws into bathrobe. Will have to come back and lurk older posts. :-)
Now… let’s hit save and see what avatar I get on your site!
Hi Eden! I’m glad this post provided you with some giggles! Bad kitty! Oh, and I’m afraid you’re stuck with the little cyclops! hee hee!
Ha! well at least my cyclops gets to wear bright red lipstick.
Sexy! hee hee! :)
While I like to say that I am good about picking up after Duds, on more than one occasion I’ve run out of the house without a plastic bag.
And, of course, he chooses to dump on those walks.
Sometimes, if its not 90 degrees out, I’ll go back, get a bag, and return to the scene of the crime, removing evidence that we were there.
Other times, I nonchalantly look around to see if anyone is watching, then off I go on my way.
And (I’m among friends, right) there have been occasions where I bent over, as if to pick it up, should anyone be watching from their window.
(As always, thanks for the near spew of coffee this morning.)
Amber, you sound just like my sister! She follows your philosophy to a tee and if there’s no one looking, she gets the hell out of dodge! “Bending over as if to pick it up,” OMG this one had me laughing as I imagined you doing just that! :)
Maybe my daughter should read this entry…I just stepped in a pile of fresh poop left in the driveway….
Tigerlilly, I’ve long stopped depending on the Son to pick up any of Roxy’s gifts. He can’t be bothered and I can’t risk stepping in it. I’d rather throw away a shoe with poop than clean it!
Bella, this made my morning! We always scoop, but yes, there has been a time or two when the poopie bag has not accompanied us. Panic ensues. Because you are so right; the one time you slip up you have an audience.
Heidi, it’s like Murphy’s Law–you can be a model citizen and nobody sees you, but the minute you commit one infraction, witnesses descend on you like the Gestapo! :)
I’ve lost track of how many times I’ve stepped on dog poop.I keep forgetting to look where I step!
Oh William, I’m sorry! There’s nothing worse than stepping on dog poop! The stench reaches a ten mile radius! Thank you for commenting!
hhhahhaa!!!! You’d have to give Motorized Martha a 50 yard head start to beat you. And Roxy clearly has bionic legs. She could definitely take the old folks. So hilarious.
So glad you found it funny! Martha is quite the character. I wish I’d had my camera! I’m thinking of lurking around the dog park this week and see if I can photograph the old biddies! :)
So hilarious!!!! I love to sit with a coffee and read you, it’s my “relax time”!
Even better when I haven’t had one in 2/3 days!
Aw…thank you for saying that! I’m so pleased to read that I “accompany” you on relax times! :)
I try to tie a couple of bags to our dog’s leash so I always have one, but I have been caught unaware. Once when we were out of town I had to take the dog for a walk along city streets and he dropped a load on the front mat of a very fancy boutique. Yup, I had nothing to clean it up with. I’m sure he was laughing at me as I tied him to the newspaper box and ran inside the expensive clothing store to beg for a bag. Of course they only had paper bags, but the salesman took pity on me and handed me a wad of paper towels from their bathroom. UGH!
Paper towels to clean dog poop? OMG, does it get any worse?! :) There are times I think this is a pet’s way of getting revenge and Roxy has done it to me plenty of times even though she’s treated like the third child I never had! I also tie the poopie bags to the leash but now with this Hartz pull leash, it’s not so easy. I think I’m going to have to go back to the old style canvas ones!
Hysterical! Thanks for making my day! Martha and her mercenaries have busy days as I too have forgotten my bags (though truth be told, my back yard is a minefield!). Once, though, I was walking a trail and left my fully loaded bag near the entrance to the trail, intent on putting it in the parking lot garbage on my way out. Well much to my surprise, some other walker did it for me. There are poopie saints out there too!
OMG woman, “my back yard is a minefield!” This one had me chuckling out loud! And where are the poopie saints when I need one?? But what am I talking about when what I really needed was a bodyguard to defend me from Martha and her crew! :)
You have to stop making me laugh aloud at work – I am already the crazy lady. I have a fat cat, very fat, and very entitled. I don’t think the would take kindly to being on a leash. I might try it just to torture him for all those nights he decides to sit his twenty pound fur butt on my stomach and stare at me… food for thought. Big smiles.
haha, Brenda! Poor kitty! And I’m not even a cat lover! :)
Bella this was absolutely hillarious, thanks for giving me a good laugh today! I could see the Grannies anxious to nail you to the wall in mutual triumph! SO funny. Keep writing about your doggy exploits. I have some posts about my cat to put up sometime but my hyper brain has more posts than space. One day soon…
Oh Elizabeth, do put up those posts of the cat! I think posts that deal with the adventures with pets are among the funniest! Wouldn’t you agree? I’m glad you liked the post! :)
you make me laugh again!!, and it was so suspenseful to read if you were going ‘to escape Martha and her battery operated wheelchair’, whahhaha, such a funny anecdote!
Mrs. Allnut, you have no idea what fun it is to make you laugh! You’re always so appreciative! Thank you for that! :) Besos y risas!
Oh my God, that’s hysterical. I could picture the whole scene so vividly. Also, it’s so funny you bring this up today. I have a stomach virus and had to scoop the cat litter. I’m still awash in self pity!
Oh June, no! Stomach viruses are the worse! I hope you feel better soon! :)
Great visual description of the grannies/event; smiled and empathized at the same time. :) When my dear Duchess was alive I picked up the poop. However, she was a poop machine and sometimes I would be scrambling to fit more poop into one bag, having forgotten to stock up. If I ever get a dog again I’m voting for one that produces nuggets then maybe a large leaf will work in a pinch. (no pun intended)
haha, Jennifer! I wish I could’ve found a leaf in the vicinity! Thank goodness for the “poopie patrol” and their preparedness! I’ve heard that if you feed a dog certain food, it’s feces are smaller. I don’t know if that’s true or not, but if so, I need to get Roxy some of that food! I can’t believe how a little body that small is able to produce such vile poopie! :)
Bella – I was torn between laughing out loud and fear for how this ended!! How kind of the SWAT team to go around with poopie bags!!! ;)
Corinne, I was telling Jennifer that I think these ladies do not belong to the “community watch,” but instead, to the “poopie watch/patrol.” What bliss to have the time to sit on these stakeouts! :)
In public places, always. On our quiet mountain lanes, never. The husband and I have even got it down to having a supply of saved plastic sacks (the kind you use when bagging fruits and vegs) in the car because we wouldn’t want to be caught dead, say, at the Vatican on a walk and Maddie decides to drop a turd to be blessed. It’s like parents with human babies….leave the house without diapers and you’re in deep kaka!
OMG Rowena, ain’t that the truth! This experience has taught me to always walk with poopie bags in my pockets, bag, pockets, and anywhere else I can stick ’em! hee hee!
SWAT in wheelchairs, oh my… I don’t have a dog, never did (I’m a cat person), but I would pick it up after my dog if I had one. And that would make me one of the very few in my town who do it; there are streets which you must navigate like a mine field if you don’t want to step into dog poop (which sometimes looks like elephant poop).
Elephant poop! OMG, that is hysterical! :) Ivana, I think it’s deplorable that people don’t clean up after their animals. It’s like Rowena mentioned, one thing is when you’re in the forest or mountain, another thing is when you’re in public places where children play and people walk.
Bella, I agree it’s deplorable. And then you have dog owners who don’t clean after their own dogs, and you have people who hate dogs because of the irresponsible owners. Which is also sad, because you can’t possibly blame dogs for it.
Ivana, so true, my friend. The poor dog gets blamed for a bodily function he can’t control, or at least for extended periods. We have to create awareness; advocate for the dogs! :)
If I’ve ventured out with a bag I will flick the offending odiferous pile into the bushes or deep grass or through the bars of the storm sewers with the toe of my boot, which is why you’ll find me walking the dog in atrocious footwear, regardless of the state of my hair, clothing or other accessories!
Cathy, I think I might have done the same if I hadn’t been wearing flip flops! However, I’m definitely going to start using “atrocious” footwear as well so I can resort to this measure if the situation again arises. (I pray that it doesn’t!) :)
Oops, I meant ‘without’ a bag!
I got you! No worries! :)
Funny stuff, Bella! I laughed hysterically at the motorized mafia leader!! I was caught without my bag last week. I had the bag at the beginning of our walk, and the normal deposit had been scooped and tossed, and THEN he decided to poop again! How dare he…thankfully I was well hidden in the woods…but I still felt bad! MMF
Meagan, why do dogs that? Why can’t they go all at once? Roxy does that ALL the time! Between you and me, when she goes in the woods, I don’t scoop and never feel bad. I think of it as fertilizer for the trees! :)
Haha..this is hilarious, I’m crying with laughter. I can just imagine them closing in on you with daggers in their eyes waiting for you to clean the poop. Btw – I’ve just found your blog after a comment you made of a photo of my less than attractive feet oh and a pretty bay in Korcula! I’m a newbie to blogging, if I ever manage to blog like you, I’d be delighted! I’m going to be back for more Bella (and Roxy) stories for sure!
I remember the post with your feet in Korcula! hee hee! It’s great you like my blog and I’d be happy if turned into a regular reader! The more the merrier! :)