Living with two men has taught me many things.
Many of which, unfortunately, I’ll never be able to put to good use or make money from.
That said, one of the things I have learned is that men (or at least the ones I live with,) are incapable of replacing an empty toilet roll.
Women who find themselves in the same situation will readily agree there’s nothing worse than reaching for toilet paper, only to make contact with an empty cardboard roll.
At times you’re lucky, and there’s someone in the house who hears your cries for help.
Other times, when you’re alone, you’re left to walk out of the bathroom with your pants down, desperately searching for anything porous enough to wipe your butt with.
Personally, it’s during these times that I’ve seriously pondered how long it would take to teach Roxy to fetch a roll of toilet paper.
I think of how, were I to be successful, this would open up all sorts of doors for us.
I see headlines like, “Small Jack Russell Terrier Brings Toilet Paper To Those In Need,” or hit songs titled, “Just Call Roxy and She’ll Bring Paper,” and even interviews with late night TV hosts like Conan O’Brien.
But until that time comes, I have to face the reality that I’m in a four by four foot cubicle with nothing I can use and safely flush.
I call out, “Can someone bring me toilet paper?” and hear the two words a bathroom user dreads to hear, “We’re out.”
“What do you mean, we’re out?”
The Significant Other replies, “We’re out as in zilch, nix, nada.”
“Oh my God! Again? Then give me something I can wipe my ass with!”
“Anything like pages of a magazine?”
“I don’t have time for your stand up routine now. You know what I mean!”
“There’s some loose leaf paper here. Will that work?”
“I was thinking more like napkins, Kleenex, or paper towel, but whatever.”
“You realize it’s scenes like these that kill the romance in our relationship?”
“You realize I have to wipe my ass and romance takes a back seat at this moment?”
“I’m just saying.”
“Hand me the damn loose leaf!”
“Hey, I found some napkins with that cat you like on ’em.”
“The Hello Kitty party napkins I bought for special occasions?”
“I’d say this is a special occasion. The cat or the loose leaf?”
“The cat, and hurry it up! Any more time in here, and you’ll be handing me a knife to scrape it off!”
Something tells me the people at Sanrio never intended for Hello Kitty to be used in such a fashion.
What can I say?
I’ll do anything to prevent a paper cut.