What do you mean, we’re out of toilet paper?

cc licensed ( BY SD ) flickr photo shared by GorillaSushi

Living with two men has taught me many things.

Many of which, unfortunately, I’ll never be able to put to good use or make money from.

That said, one of the things I have learned is that men (or at least the ones I live with,) are incapable of replacing an empty toilet roll.

Women who find themselves in the same situation will readily agree there’s nothing worse than reaching for toilet paper, only to make contact with an empty cardboard roll.

At times you’re lucky, and there’s someone in the house who hears your cries for help.

Other times, when you’re alone, you’re left to walk out of the bathroom with your pants down, desperately searching for anything porous enough to wipe your butt with.

Personally, it’s during these times that I’ve seriously pondered how long it would take to teach Roxy to fetch a roll of toilet paper.

I think of how, were I to be successful, this would open up all sorts of doors for us.

I see headlines like, “Small Jack Russell Terrier Brings Toilet Paper To Those In Need,” or hit songs titled, “Just Call Roxy and She’ll Bring Paper,” and even interviews with late night TV hosts like Conan O’Brien.

But until that time comes, I have to face the reality that I’m in a four by four foot cubicle with nothing I can use and safely flush.

I call out, “Can someone bring me toilet paper?” and hear the two words a bathroom user dreads to hear, “We’re out.”

“What do you mean, we’re out?”

The Significant Other replies, “We’re out as in zilch, nix, nada.”

“Oh my God! Again? Then give me something I can wipe my ass with!”

“Anything like pages of a magazine?”

“I don’t have time for your stand up routine now. You know what I mean!”

“There’s some loose leaf paper here. Will that work?”

“I was thinking more like napkins, Kleenex, or paper towel, but whatever.”

“You realize it’s scenes like these that kill the romance in our relationship?”

“You realize I have to wipe my ass and romance takes a back seat at this moment?”

“I’m just saying.”

“Hand me the damn loose leaf!”

“Hey, I found some napkins with that cat you like on ’em.”

“The Hello Kitty party napkins I bought for special occasions?”

“I’d say this is a special occasion. The cat or the loose leaf?”

“The cat, and hurry it up! Any more time in here, and you’ll be handing me a knife to scrape it off!”

Something tells me the people at Sanrio never intended for Hello Kitty to be used in such a fashion.

What can I say?

I’ll do anything to prevent a paper cut.

Do the men in your home replenish the toilet paper?


51 thoughts on “What do you mean, we’re out of toilet paper?

    1. Cinammon, you rock! I shall print it and put in on the refrigerator door to remind myself that in my alternate reality, eveything is possible! :) Thank you so much!

  1. This is one lament I can sympathize with. I live with three men, although two of them are 18 and 15. My husband frequently goes to the grocery store and comes home with great stuff: chips, dip, sodas, salad fixings, steaks, etc. – even some toiletries like deoderant – but never never a pack of toilet paper. The full responsibility for supplying the toilet paper, putting new rolls on the holder, and picking up the empty tubes from the floor falls to Moi.

    1. Carol, I hear you and I feel you, sister. And isn’t it about darn time we rebel? I say we learn to carry our own personal roll of toilet paper every time we visit the john! Let them ferret for their own roll! :)

  2. My husband and son both replenish the toilet paper but only under duress.

    This is what I do so that we rarely run out of TP – I call it “The Heir and the Spare”. In the bathroom there is the roll on the toilet paper holder (the Heir) and another stashed away under the sink (the Spare). When you use up the Heir and have to grab the Spare then you replace it with some TP that is kept in the TP Repsoitory (the linen closet).

    In the TP Repository there is a basket full of TP. When you notice that there are only a couple of rolls left, you put TP on the grocery list and you are good to go (hahaha)!

    1. Neela, OMG, it sounds like you are running a well oiled machine in your household! I think I want to move in! :) I think I’m going to have to adopt your heir and spare method! Maybe then I won’t have to subject Hello Kitty to awful things! hee hee!

  3. I am in charge of everything, so it’s all on me. And there have been a couple times in the last 13 years when the man of the house is using the bathroom and we’re out of everything. Needless to say, I have to haul ass to the Walgreens down the street. Makes more for comedic moments, of course:)

    1. Jennifer, comedic moments indeed! You’d think that after waiting for you to come back from Walgreens, you’d be handing the hubs a paint scraper instead! hee hee! But really, aren’t you a bit resentful of being in charge of everything! I say we declare a revolution on all these non paper replacing men! :)

  4. LOL! IF I’ve learned nothing else in life it’s to check before I sit. Since men don’t know to replenish the TP, I just go ahead and do it myself.

    The main problem here was that the guys didn’t seem to know how to put the toilet lid down. And my arse would slid on down into the bowl.
    One other bugaboo was seeing piss drops, not in the bowl, but all around it. So years ago, when I was in my cross-stitching phase I made signs for each bathroom.
    One was: We aim to please; you aim too please.
    Another: Be an adult and not a kid; hit the toilet and not the lid.

    1. Debra, I wish I would bother to check before I sit! You’d think that by now I would’ve learned my lesson! However, I have been successful in training them to put down the toilet seat. I have to give them credit for that as well as for not peeing on the toilet seat or its surroundings! :) Love the sayings on your cross-stitch signs!

  5. Oooo wee, what a pickle to be in! I get toilet paper almost every time I go to the store, whether I need it or not. I know I’ll need it eventually. I learned that after my mom had me bring her newspaper when I was a kid. It tickles the sh*t out of me even now to remember thinking, ‘Now, what’s she gonna do with that?’ Just as quickly as the thought came, I hear the paper tearing and rubbing together. She was softening it up for the big wipe!

    Yeah, I keep tissue. I have enough that I could sell some right about now :-)


    1. Totsymae, you had me giggling at the thought of your mom “softening” up the newspaper! OMG, that’s funny! I definitely have to follow your cue and start stocking up on toilet paper! Now if only I had enough room to store it in this dinky rink house! :)

  6. Moments when romance takes a backseat; an offer of magazine pages to deal with your…situation. This is a classic post. I can’t tell you how much I enjoyed reading it.

  7. I hate to mess up your theory, Bella dear, but not only are men incapable, but teenage girls are too. Which basically means everyone finds themselves incapable (or above) such a task, except da mama. Ugh.

  8. I have to confess…I am the culprit in this house. And then I am punished by being home alone in the bathroom when I realized what I did.

    The pants around ankles waddle of shame (in which I must pass the glass back doors with a clear view into the neighbor house) across the house for more is then in order. Because, clearly, I can’t learn and stock extra rolls IN the bathroom. That would make too much sense.

    1. Amber, you had me giggling with this comment! OMG, the waddle of shame passing glass doors! I can’t even begin to imagine what that’s like! And I thought I had it bad! hee hee! Girl, you’re right–we HAVE to start stocking extra rolls IN the bathroom! This is getting ridiculous! :) Hey, Neela mentioned her method of “heir and spare.” Maybe we should try that!

  9. Seriously Bella, Hello Kitty party napkins? I choked on my coffee when I read that. No problems with buttwipe supply here. I buy economy spacesaver packs and set the whole bag where it most definitely belongs — near the toilet.

    1. Rowena, as you already know, you are my hero. I just wanted to reiterate that! I would most definitely adopt your method, if it wasn’t for the fact that these European bathrooms are so tiny, you have limited space. I kid you not when I say that if I’m not careful, I bonk my head on the sink when I’m trying to stand up! hee hee! And yes, my friend, Hello Kitty napkins! The little girl that lives inside of me demands I buy them! :)

  10. Haha this is definitely a problem in my house. Even worse when the toilet seat is left up and I fall in at midnight when I am too lazy to turn the light on.

    1. Megan, I have fallen into the toilet twice in the time I’ve lived in this house. After the second time, I gathered the men and told them that if the seat was ever left up, they’d best prepare for war; a war that included “no more home cooked meals.” :)

  11. Bella, I’m a first time visitor. I came by your site from a comment you left on a Freshly Pressed blog.

    Very funny post. Unfortunately, being a man, I’m in league with those causing you so much frustration. Just a thought but have you ever considered hiding an extra roll under the sink so you always have a back up. No slight pun intended.

    1. Tom, welcome! I so have to check out your blog! I mean, with a name like that, what woman wouldn’t be intrigued! :) I’m glad you found your way to my blog and that you like the post! Unfortunately, while your suggestion is an excellent one, I can’t put it to good use. You see, I live in a European country where the bathroom is so small, there’s no space for an under-the-sink cabinet. I might be able to flatten a roll though, and force it in behind the pedestal sink. However, something tells me the men would find it, totally defeating the purpose! :)

    1. You’re most welcome, Deborah! I think you may have convinced me regarding turning Roxy into the “toilet paper roll fetcher.” Her training starts today! :)

  12. This is hysterical! But I hate to admit that in my family, I tend to be the cuprit of leaving the nearly empty roll. My husband is the always changing them out (thank you, husband). But now that I read your idea about getting the dog to fetch the rolls, I’m SO starting my dogs on this training tonight. What a briliant idea!

  13. Finally, Hello Kitty is giving to the needs of mankind. hhaaaa!!! Hilarious post, Bella. I think the next time you’re “caught” without, the man should have to go the grocery store AND give you a 20-minute foot rub.

    1. Girl, you are right on target as usual! I mentioned your comment to the Significant Other and he said that HE should be getting a foot rub for discovering the Hello Kitty napkins in the first place! What a character!

  14. NOOOOOOO!!! Not Kitty!!! :) HAHA I am lucky that for the most part, my husband DOES replenish it. But! there are a lot of other things I wish he would notice and replenish. Ah well, one thing at a time, I suppose.

    And you know, you MAY be able to teach Roxy how to fetch you toilet paper! My roommate in undergrad actually trained his dog to fetch him a beer from the fridge. That was super fantastic! Thing is, you’d probably have to wrap your toilet paper in drool-proof covering before you teach Roxy to fetch!

    1. Laura, I knew you would not approve of Hello Kitty being used in this manner! Please forgive me! :) And thank you reminding me that the toilet paper should be encased in something drool-proof! OMG, another obstacle in the training process! As for you roomate, how like a guy, sexist as that sounds! hee hee! :)

  15. My men do replace the toilet roll, I’m happy to say. I have them well-trained. They even put down the seat when finished.

    Some of us are born under lucky stars :)

    1. Tilly, I’m formally petioning the name of your star so if in fact reencarnation exists, I can select to be born right under it! :) You lucky lady!

  16. Oh god, no one i live with can replace the toilet paper, replenish the tissues, or do anything to help you once you’ve been compromised.
    it is the worst, but your story has made me smile.
    good luck training roxy, i’ll be keeping an eye out for you on conan.

    1. Lyddie, tis true, once the rest of the family members have you pegged as the “replenisher,” it’s game over. They depend on you to do it from here on in. I’ll keep you posted regarding our appearance on Conan! :)

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