My sister called last night to tell me she had earth-shattering news.
I use the term loosely because to her, earth-shattering is Javier Bardem having married that Penelope woman.
Wait a minute.
That is earth-shattering news!
Anyway, she called to tell me that one of her friends has lost ten pounds in a week.
How? Simply by taking cinnamon pills.
“Cinnamon pills? When did they start making those?”
“Ages ago, but you wouldn’t know because to you, healthy means not passing out after climbing three flights of stairs.”
“No. That’s super healthy. Healthy’s not passing out after two flights of stairs.”
“Whatever. My friend took these pills, and a week later, voila! Ten pounds thinner.”
“I’ll send you a bottle in the mail if you can’t find them there.”
Silence on the line.
“Bella? Bella, are you there? What’s that noise?”
“Wait! I’m rummaging in my spice cabinet!”
“What the hell for?”
“So I can scarf down a bottle of cinnamon, and voila! Loose twenty pounds!”
“Go ahead and mock, you amateur. I’ll call you when I’m ten pounds lighter.”
“It’s a shame old age will have rendered me blind by then.”
“Talk to you tomorrow.”
As I hang up the phone, I realize people will do anything to lose weight.
Me? I still think that if I pray long enough, I’ll wake up a size six.
My sister and her cronies, on the other hand, have been on the quest to find a miracle pill for years.
They’ve searched tirelessly to find a pill that when ingested, will miraculously reduce their weight by fifty pounds.
However, this is a recent quest.
Before that, they embarked on others, many others.
There was the time they tried the sweat suit which was made of aluminum foil.
You were supposed to lose weight if you “wrapped” yourself in it and sat in the sun for an hour.
I assume the sun’s rays were supposed to melt away body fat, ridding you of at least ten pounds the minute you reached the “well done” stage.
There was also the vibrating machine.
Not one of them blinked when informed it was in the two hundred dollar range.
They were instructed to stand on it for thirty minutes, three times a day, and the vibrations would miraculously break up and dissolve cellulite pockets.
Methinks most of them are still using this one, but for purposes other than the cellulite-destroying ones.
The acai juice was touted as miracle juice which would assist in eliminating toxins and leave you twenty pounds lighter.
The reality being, it left most of the women in the group with stomach cramps and a case of the runs.
One of the women even developed a rash on her neck.
And how can we forget the butt-toning shoes?
Wear them daily, and you’ll be able to bounce quarters off your ass.
These babies caused my sister to suffer from Achilles tendonitis, while her gluteus maximus remained in the “bowl of Jello” stage.
There was also the banana diet which lasted three days and was composed of three meals.
And yes, you guessed it, a banana was considered a meal
Lets also recall the tomato soup diet, where all you consumed was soup for three days.
Finally, who could forget the “straw” diet where you could eat anything as long as you could slurp it through a straw.
One of the ladies is still in therapy to help her cope with the failure of not having been able to slurp a brownie.
The ringing of the phone brings me back to the present.
“I bought the pills; the cinnamon pills. And I also bought you a bottle.”
“Have you and your friends ever pondered losing weight the old-fashioned way, through exercise and eating healthy?”
“Now where’s the fun in that? Think of us as test subjects who do what we do for the sake of womankind.”
I guess she had a point.
At least now we have living proof that a brownie can’t be slurped through a straw.