Will this help me lose weight?


cc licensed ( BY NC ND ) flickr photo shared by SoCalFan

My sister called last night to tell me she had earth-shattering news.

I use the term loosely because to her, earth-shattering is Javier Bardem having married that Penelope woman.

Wait a minute.
That is earth-shattering news!

Anyway, she called to tell me that one of her friends has lost ten pounds in a week.

How? Simply by taking cinnamon pills.

“Cinnamon pills? When did they start making those?”
“Ages ago, but you wouldn’t know because to you, healthy means not passing out after climbing three flights of stairs.”
“No. That’s super healthy. Healthy’s not passing out after two flights of stairs.”
“Whatever. My friend took these pills, and a week later, voila! Ten pounds thinner.”
“I’ll send you a bottle in the mail if you can’t find them there.”

Silence on the line.

“Bella? Bella, are you there? What’s that noise?”
“Wait! I’m rummaging in my spice cabinet!”
“What the hell for?”
“So I can scarf down a bottle of cinnamon, and voila! Loose twenty pounds!”
“Go ahead and mock, you amateur. I’ll call you when I’m ten pounds lighter.”
“It’s a shame old age will have rendered me blind by then.”
“Screw you.”
“Talk to you tomorrow.”

As I hang up the phone, I realize people will do anything to lose weight.

Me? I still think that if I pray long enough, I’ll wake up a size six.

My sister and her cronies, on the other hand, have been on the quest to find a miracle pill for years.

They’ve searched tirelessly to find a pill that when ingested, will miraculously reduce their weight by fifty pounds.

However, this is a recent quest.

Before that, they embarked on others, many others.

There was the time they tried the sweat suit which was made of aluminum foil.

You were supposed to lose weight if you “wrapped” yourself in it and sat in the sun for an hour.

I assume the sun’s rays were supposed to melt away body fat, ridding you of at least ten pounds the minute you reached the “well done” stage.

There was also the vibrating machine.

Not one of them blinked when informed it was in the two hundred dollar range.

They were instructed to stand on it for thirty minutes, three times a day, and the vibrations would miraculously break up and dissolve cellulite pockets.

Methinks most of them are still using this one, but for purposes other than the cellulite-destroying ones.

The acai juice was touted as miracle juice which would assist in eliminating toxins and leave you twenty pounds lighter.

The reality being, it left most of the women in the group with stomach cramps and a case of the runs.

One of the women even developed a rash on her neck.

And how can we forget the butt-toning shoes?

Wear them daily, and you’ll be able to bounce quarters off your ass.

These babies caused my sister to suffer from Achilles tendonitis, while her gluteus maximus remained in the “bowl of Jello” stage.

There was also the banana diet which lasted three days and was composed of three meals.
And yes, you guessed it, a banana was considered a meal

Lets also recall the tomato soup diet, where all you consumed was soup for three days.

Finally, who could forget the “straw” diet where you could eat anything as long as you could slurp it through a straw.

One of the ladies is still in therapy to help her cope with the failure of not having been able to slurp a brownie.

The ringing of the phone brings me back to the present.

“Hello?”
“I bought the pills; the cinnamon pills. And I also bought you a bottle.”
“Have you and your friends ever pondered losing weight the old-fashioned way, through exercise and eating healthy?”
“Now where’s the fun in that? Think of us as test subjects who do what we do for the sake of womankind.”

I guess she had a point.

At least now we have living proof that a brownie can’t be slurped through a straw.

What crazy thing have you done for the sake of losing weight?

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80 thoughts on “Will this help me lose weight?

  1. Very funny post! My mom bought one of those vibrating machines. She tried it once and said that it was shaking her intestines up into her throat. She also tried some sort of pill, but then she was vacuuming in the middle of the night. Now it’s the lemonade-cayenne pepper fast. There are plenty of gimmicks out there…I think the only way to do it is to change your diet and exercise. No fun, but that’s probably the only way it stays off. Thanks for the laugh!

    1. Annie, you’re more than welcome! Oh no, is your mom like my sister? :) My sister also tried the pill that makes her jittery even if she claims it gives her tons of energy! And I agree, the only way to lose weight is through dietary changes and exercise!

    1. Eschelle, bacon’s been beckoning to me since I was born! hee hee! Seriously though, I do have a “semi” vegeataran lifestle. I eat as little meat as possible.

  2. OMG, Funny.
    Does that mean I can eat “cinnamon rolls?”
    I ‘ve been on the Cabbage Diet, The Grapefruit Diet, Egg Diet, Poop your pants Diet, Salad Diet, Starve yourself Diet, Weight Watchers, Carb diet…
    and I’ve come to the conclusion that they ALL SUCK !!!!!!!!
    Diets DO NOT work.
    Now I eat Chocolate Chip Cookies.
    My ass is big…but who give a sh*#!
    Great Post as usual, Bella. xx

    1. Kim, sing it, sister! And I agree, diets don’t work. For me, the minute I say the word “diet,” it’s like my brain alerts my body to stop all cooperation. Then they gang up on me and all my efforts are for naught. I’ve embraced the fact that I’m a sexy, curvy woman. With a big ass. That’s all there is to it! :) I’m glad you like the post, Kim!

  3. I have a really BIG bottle of cinnamon powder in my pantry. I think I’ll try it when I come back from the gym. Yeah! That’s what I’ll do. If you don’t want the bottle your sister bought you, please pass it on to me. :-D

    1. hahaha, Paz! Every now and then, when my sister decides to become guinea pig to some new diet gimmick, she’ll suck me along. You know, the old misery loves company adage. Sometimes I’ll play along, if it seems harmless, and other times I’ll refuse at all costs. I will not spend a dime on diet pills, or devices or mystery fat suits. They’re a waste of money I don’t have. I’d rather buy myself a nice lipstick! :)

  4. Oh Bella…
    Only once when I was very young and living the LA lifestyle was I enticed to try dieters’ team.. OMG, dreadful stuff. Since then there have been marriage, two babies, two countries, walking, biking, yoga, nothing, nothing, nothing, then walking and training for the breast cancer marathon, and finally somewhere in everything, a committed agenda to self, which entails gym, and walking. I am not a size nothing, but I am strong and run up a flight of stairs and not die of heart failure.

    1. Brenda, if you can run up a flight of stairs and not pass out, you’re healthy in my book! :) I would think that living in the West Coast really puts you under a lot of pressure to be a thinny minnie. I mean, who’s not fit in California, girl? Thank goodness we’re sexy dames, right? :)

  5. You crack me up, I laughed out loud reading your blog at work and then I had to share it with all the ladies I am working with and we all have few more diets “suggestions” for you, but to be honest I am just like you, one day I will wake up and I will be size 6!

    1. Ariana, I kid you not when I tell you that for half of my life I’ve believed that if I wish on a star, wish on the moon, say a prayer, pray a novena, or light a candle, the gods will grant me my wish. As a result, I will wake up and be a size six. So far, I haven’t suceeded, but that doesn’t mean it can’t happen, right? :)

  6. I often wish for a pill to fix this, but I know logically that won’t work or last. Plus, I really don’t want to give brith to a three headed sea serpent, which I think was one of the side-effects of Fen-Fen. I could be wrong though… ;)

    1. Elise, I think you could be right in your assumption of Fen-fen. Those ephedra pills will really do a number on your heart. We may kid about magic pills but the risks are there. I tell you, it’s scary. Maybe some day they’ll invent a pill that actually works, but for now I’m sticking to long walks with Roxy and raw veggies and fruit.

    1. Hello and welcome, Julia! I think I might try them but only because studies have been done where they’re good to stabilize blood sugar. I’ll keep you posted! :)

  7. Love your crack about the vibrating device, but then, I’m not well. I remember Oprah did an episode where she posted signs for a hot dog diet (only hot dogs allowed for upwards of 10 to 20 years) but the results sounded promising. People signed up in droves! These days, it’s too bad, but a huge number of people will do just about anything to drop a few. Me? I’m just going to put the cinnamon thing out of my mind. Great post.

    1. I’m happy you like the post, June! A hot dog diet? Yuk! This one might actually work for me. I’d refuse to eat them and if that’s all you can eat, then I’d surely lose a few pounds! :)

  8. The only strange diet I ever did was a medically neccessary low-iodine diet. It lasted nine miserable weeks during which I gained ten pounds. Now I never want to diet again!

    1. Shary, a diet that makes you gain weight? OMG, my heart goes out to you. I’m glad you never want to diet again! Me neither! :)

  9. Omg, so funny to read you, and I’ve realized mi mom is like your sister& friends, she was a test subject for so many diets than I’ve always refused to follow her footsteps!. I’m also an ‘old style’ woman and I still believe in long walks and veggies (and miracles!)
    besos & milagros

    1. Señora Allnut, good for you for not following in your mom’s footsteps! I’m glad you’re joining the ranks of women that pray for miracles, eat their veggies and take long walks! I’m in the club as well! I almost feel like cheering at this point! hee hee! :)

  10. Oh Bella, this makes me think of women I know who recently went on that HCG diet. They take this magical hormone, and, oh, by the way, they only eat 500 calories a day.

    And it TOTALLY works!

    *insert eye roll and me biting my lip from yelling insults at otherwise lovely women*

    Why in the world do you think you are losing weight? CAUSE YOU ARE STARVING! By the way, that isn’t healthy, and won’t last, unless you plan on starving forever.

    Gah.

    Sorry. Tangential rant.

    1. Amber, 500 calories a day? I hope these poor victims were receiving psychiatric counseling as well! Seriously, what is the world coming to? :) Yay to your rant!

  11. I’ve tried various diets: Eat Right for your Type (ages ago), the Abs Diet, the under 20 grams of gat per day (long ago before they decided healthy fats were good), and most recently the Flat Belly Diet. I’m a vegetarian lately but that by no means I eat fewer calories than when I ate meat. Getting up early and popping in an exercise DVD with the sound off while listening to an audio book playing on my iPod boom box is the only exercise plan that works for me. I forget about what the bod is doing and get absorbed in the story and before I know it I can scratch 45 minutes of exercise off my “to-do” list.

    1. Carol, I think keeping the mind otherwise occupied as we do exercise is an excellent strategy. For me, it’s easier to pant my way through a grueling workout when music is involved. I find that on days that I choose to power walk, if I don’t have my iPod, I simply am not motivated to walk fast. The audio book sounds like a great idea!

  12. Cinnamon? Now, that’s different. Your sister is rather funny actually, with all of her dieting shortcuts. She needs to start her own blog about that. I remember some years ago, thinking about the baby food diet. Now, i lasted all of one good snack on that one! I mean, I could only fool myself for so long with that.

    But generally, I don’t diet. I just call it a health and lifestyle change because it’s takes the pressure away from the dos and don’ts of eating. That’s the key for me.

    1. Totsy, you are a wise woman. I think your way is a good example of how we can maintain our weight goals and stay healthy. As for the baby food diet, I love the “Chiquita Banana” little desert! I could eat those all day! :)

  13. I once went on this diet that was guaranteed to take off 10 pounds in 3 – 5 days. If I recall correctly, you could eat for breakfast a slice of toast with peanut butter, and half a grapefruit. For lunch you could have a helping of turnip greens with a piece of broiled chicken. For dinner you could have a beet and a meat with a scoop of vanilla ice cream for dessert. The beet had to go. I wondered if I could substitute the nasty beet for a biscuit… the turnip greens for cream potatoes… and the scoop of vanilla ice cream for a pint of Rocky Road. Needless to say, the diet was a flop.

    1. Debra, that was hysterically funny! You should so dabble with a humorous post! You would totally rock it, woman! :) And lets hear it for Rocky Road! YAY! hee hee!

  14. This is hilarious! I’m still in agony with toothache and am close to delerious with laughter reading this! Diets – been there, done that, got the T shirt for thirty years at least. My daughters and I used to work out to Richard Simmons ad nauseum back in the day and know all his tapes off by heart. We could be anywhere in the world together but if one of those songs came on we’d automatically start doing the moves and laughing.

    1. Oh Elizabeth, I’m sorry you’re in pain! I hope your laughing at the post made it a little better! :) I still remember Richard Simmons! I too did his tapes! His infectious mood and enthusiasm was contagious. Here’s hoping you feel better soon! :)

  15. Oh Bella!!! This post! HAHAHA!!!
    Touched a raw nerve…
    Well I’m trying to lose weight now, only because I’ve gained some over the last 6 months. I’m still not interested in becoming a size 6 or 10 or 12 for that matter. I just want to remain a size 16.
    I’ve been exercising up to 4x a week – 1 to 1 1/2hrs each time. It’s torture! I hate it! I told myself I’ll stop once I get back to the weight I was last December.
    *sigh*

    1. Chloe, I’ve vistited your blog and you look the same! I don’t see any weight gain whatsover! An hour and a half of exercise? I’m afraid the paramedics would have to cart me off to the nearest hospital! hee hee! Good luck, sweetie! :)

  16. Tee hee, Bella. I love the butt-toning shoe idea! I diet by putting on my very tightest (non-elastic) jeans–the ones that really hurt. The pain takes away my hunger. Of course, the minute they come off I’m back on the bread and butter.

    1. Jann, it’s funny you mention bread and butter because they are one of my vices, and my mother’s too. It’s all It’s what I like to eat in the morning, on the rare occasion I have breakfast. And may I say, I could never endure pain to abstain from eating? You’re a new kind of strong in my book! :)

  17. Well, Bells, now I’ve heard it all. Cinnamon pills. Would Tic Tacs do the trick?

    The best diet that worked for me was divorce. It worked because I was so depressed I stopped eating, and I was probably eating 250 calories a day. But then something happened. I started to get over it and started feeling happy. Happy people enjoy eating again and so ended my brush with being thin. Sigh. I’ve had no willpower ever since.

    1. And can we assume you’ve been happy ever since? Methinks if this is the case, it’s a small trade-off, girlfriend. For me, breakups have resulted in not eating as well but instead of losing weight, I’ve gained it! I still remember one bad break up where all I had throughout the day was coffee. Definitely not a happy time, nor a thin time. What am I saying? I’ve been curvy since I was born! hee hee! And pass me a Tic Tac, would you? :)

  18. WOW. Cinnamon pills. Hmm.. yeah. I think good old fashioned exercise and eating right might work better. LOL

    Stopping by from the LBS Tea Party. Love the blog. I do believe, you have a new follower!

    1. Hello and welcome, Penny! Cinnamon pills which are on their way to me as we speak! hee hee! Thanks for dropping by! :)

  19. Stopping by from the Bloggers Tea Party, and I HAVE to thank you for my morning laugh!!
    I won’t lie though, something about the cinnamon pills intrigue me!! LOL!!
    I might look into it..
    I was “your sister” for years and now finally realize that without healthy eating and exercise, it just isn’t going to work…
    I wish it did though!!!
    Have a great weekend!!

    1. Sarah, hello and welcome! I have to admit they do sound s a bit intriguing. We’ll have to see just what effect they have on me! I’m glad you liked the post! Have a great weekend! :)

  20. So so funny – your story cracked me up (and I love the earth shattering Javier reference – almost spit my coffee out at that one!) I am, also, stopping by from the Lady Bloggers tea – and the whole idea of the cinnamon pills . . . hmmm. Couldn’t I just eat a Cinnabon instead? I mean, really?

    Have a great weekend – will be back soon!

    1. Leanne, you have made me giggle! Gosh I miss Cinnabons! Yum! I haven’t had one of those in years! Grief. This is the reason I need the cinnamon pills, to ward off these cravings! Thanks for dropping by and I’d love it if you came back! Have a great weekend! :)

  21. Hysterical post! I feel for your sister. I want a magic pill too. Ugh. Anyways, thanks for the chuckle this morning. It goes well with the Lady Bloggers Society tea party.

    1. Steph, hello and welcome! I’m happy to oblige! I think we all want that magic pill. Now if someone would hurry up and invent it! :)

  22. Reall, Bella? Cinnamon pills?!?!? I’ve got tons of cinnamon in my spice cabinet! just kidding! I definitely am one of those people who wishes I could be skinny without working for it. It’s a struggle I’ve been through all my life. I remember when I was in high school, I hid a bottle of green tea pills

    It sucks, but eh, what can I do? Just exercise more and more and eat healthier, I suppose!

    1. Laura, how I wish green tea did what it says it’s supposed to do. I’ve drank copious amounts of it for nothing. Not only is it disgusting, I can tell you it does NOTHING to help you lose weight. I want my money back! Argh! :)

  23. I forget at least once a week how funny you are. Then Saturday rolls around or you leave a comment for me and I think “That’s right! The girl with the dog!” and get to giggle a bit.

    In all seriousness [well, as much serious as this subject deserves] I was at the dermatologist last week, who asked me during her diagnostic phase if I had been eating cinnamon.

    {I get all nervous and verbose with doctor-types, and thus began to list off things like “Sometimes I put cinnamon on my popcorn . . . and sometimes I have apple cinnamon instant oatmeal . . .” and then she cut me off}

    She proceeded to tell me that the spice has been used to [ineffectively] treat skin issues forever, and that people who eat a lot of it or ‘take certain diet pills’ are more likely to develop skin problems, not less as hoped.

    Warn your sister! Or don’t. Maybe you like your sister chubby and with skin issues, to boot:)

    1. Jayca, hello! Indeed I will warn her! Imagine skin issues when the poor woman is just trying to drop a few pounds! :) Thanks for the warning!

  24. I would have a much shorter list if I wrote what I have NOT done to lose weight.

    By the way……..Where do you get the cinnamon pills? Just asking for a “friend”. HA HA

    1. Okay, that just made me giggle! A shorter list! hee hee! I think you can get them at any drugstore or GNC! I would try Target or Walmart since they also have vitamins. :)

  25. Some trainer put my girlfriend and me on saltines – only saltines. Grapefruit, liquid, that nawsty soup diet (lots of cabbage) – oh I need to stop. I’m depressing myself. I’m going to go eat some popcorn!

    1. Oh girl, don’t remind me of the disgusting cabbage soup diet. I did that one for three days and didn’t lose an ounce. It just made me gassy! The things we do! :)

  26. You are so funny and so true, ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I cannot stop laughing.
    I love:
    One of the ladies is still in therapy to help her cope with the failure of not having been able to slurp a brownie.
    Brilliant, Bella.

  27. So funny! After reading the Skinny Bitch book I really wanted to become a vegan but I realized I love meat way too much. Especially bacon! I’ve tried a few extreme measures to stay thin but those days are behind me. Thank God!

    1. Ashley, in my heart, I want to be a vegetarian, never a vegan, but my brain and taste buds can’t renounce to the occasional lean cut of meat. What can I say other than I’m weak, in that regard? :) I browsed through the Skinny Bitch book and thought I could find fancier doorstops! hee hee! :)

    1. Kimberly, thanks for the giggle! I most definitely have to strike a posed using this method! Lets look ridiculous together. Want to? :)

  28. I am certainly guilty of believing some of those claims….what we women wouldn’t do to lose weight easily!!

    I was sucked into believing butt-toning shoes would work. I haven’t worn them in months. Haha

    1. Christine, if I told you all the stuff that is in my sister’s home that is related to weight loss, you wouldn’t believe me. Sadly, the reality is that none of it works unless you’re willing to exercise and adopt good dietary habits. You can always use the butt-toning shoes are a door stop! :)

  29. When I was in high school, my mom convinced me that I should join her in doing a 3day cleanse, consuming only the concoction of lemon juice, maple syrup, and water- considering that I was pretty active in hs, and needed to consume things for energy, I’m pretty sure that this was a terrible idea.

    To be totally fair- having a case of the runs probably could help you lose weight, it just might not be worth the misery involved- eek!

    1. Heather, I too have tried the poisonous cleaner and eek is right! hee hee! It just goes to show you to the extent will go to achieve a more svelte body! :)

    1. hee hee! I agree! Would you believe my daughter brought some with her and has insisted I try them? Who knows, I might just do that! :)

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