Last summer, I wrote a post titled, “Is that a banana hammock I spy?”
In it, I addressed the “Speedo” controversy, or certain men’s misguided impression that they look hot and sexy in swim trunks that resemble the bottom half of a woman’s two-piece.
At the time, I thought this fashion faux pax had been an isolated event; a time where the fashion police had gone on summer break.
As a result, a large amount of clueless men had taken to strutting their stuff in underwear-like garments capable of making George of the Jungle blush.
Fast forward a year, and what I thought was a one time flux, is once again a reality.
And ladies, we’re not talking Matthew McConaughey in a loincloth.
Instead, we’re talking specimens like these:
Something tells me that if Freud were to come back from the grave to perform psychoanalysis on me, he still wouldn’t be able to make me forget the horrors I’ve seen.
Hence, I feel it my civic duty to create awareness to the dangers related to Speedo exposure.
Because I don’t want anyone else to go undergo this traumatic experience.
No one should have to wake up in the middle of the night screaming and bathed in cold sweat; wondering if it’s inevitable to witness another man in a Speedo.
Therefore, I’ve written the following letter, in the hope that men who insist on wearing this type of suit will take notice and stop the senseless pain and suffering they’re causing onlookers.
Dear Man in a Speedo,
You, the one wearing the swimsuit which has only been acceptable on the body of Olympic athletes back in the 1970’s. I’m talking to you. Times have changed. We now have something available to you called “board shorts.” This type of swim suit will not only make you look more fashionable, it will also prevent your junk from playing peekaboo. It’s no longer necessary to wear a polyester/Spandex fabric scrap in public, or show off your package like you’re auditioning for a parcel company commercial. Speedos are not sexy and do not make us want to rip them off your body. On the contrary. This type of garment is best suited to be worn in the privacy of your own home, or if you’re ever trying to bring your wife/girlfriend out of a deep depression by inducing laughter. They can also be worn in your private jacuzzi, shower or bathtub. They might even be a good idea if you want to dress as a Chippendale model for Halloween, or if you ever run out of clean underwear. You should know that if you insist on wearing one, the majority of women will mock you, laugh at you, and snap photos of you to post on their blogs. We surely hope you’re not wearing this hideous garment, hoping to be spotted and featured in the next Calvin Klein perfume ad. We’d like to understand why you insist on wearing a Speedo. Do you hate yourself so much or do you hate us more? Is this your way of liberating your naughty boy side and showing us your “goodies”? If so, you’re wasting your time. You’re wasting your time because we want you to stop. We want you to stop exposing yourself in this manner. Stop forcing us to be unwilling audience members to your personal version of the “Rocky Horror Picture Show.” Please. Just. Stop. Do yourself a favor and buy a pair of board shorts. We’re begging you.
A woman, who after seeing you, will never be the same
When was the last time you had a close encounter with a Speedo?