Is this book on your shelves?

cc licensed ( BY NC ND ) flickr photo shared by Jody Art

Dear Barnes & Noble Staff:

Divorce is ugly.

The couple in the relationship knows it. Their respective families know it. Even the neighbors know it. But more than anyone, the best friend knows it.

How do I know this? Because I’m the best friend.

I’ve scoured bookstores, the Web, and even yard sales, searching for a handbook that will show me the ropes.

And we’re not talking instructions on how to act, what to say, or how to listen.

We’re talking, a guidebook on how to dissuade your best friend from doing the absurd, the reckless, and above all, the crazy.

Best friends need an instruction manual that will tell us how to convince the soon to be divorcée that no, it’s not a good idea to buy night vision goggles so we can do a stakeout, in a rental car, waiting to see who comes in or out of a soon to be ex’s house.

We need to know how to prevent our best friend from climbing out on a fourth floor ledge, attempting to capture shots of her husband and his new squeeze.

We need to know how to talk her out of driving to a 24 hour Walmart at 3am, only so she can buy craft materials to make a voodoo doll.

And we definitely need guidance regarding how to prevent a best friend from posting an ad on Craiglist titled, “Hitman for hire.”

So yes, I’m at the end of my rope.

I’m desperately searching for an e-book, instruction manual, or any book whose title resembles something along the lines of “How to Get Through Divorce: The Best Friend’s Guide.”

Alas, divorce is ugly, but a prepared best friend can prevent it from getting uglier than it has to be.

If you feel you have any book on your shelves that remotely addresses this situation, I’d be grateful if you would let me know.

If you don’t, perhaps you know writers who are willing to write this type of book.

If however, you can’t assist me in any way with my plight, I’d like to offer my services to write a book, manual, or at the very least, a pamphlet, that will help other people in my circumstances.

I hope to hear from you at your earliest convenience and thank you for your cooperation regarding this matter.

A best friend who’s ready to hang herself with a real rope

36 thoughts on “Is this book on your shelves?

  1. Bella,

    What a fabulous idea for a book! I swear you are onto something. That being said…I am so sorry to hear about your friend. God knows I’ve been that person and it’s never pretty. You are a true ally to help at a very strange transition in life. I don’t have anything in my bookshelf that could be of help, but if I find something I’ll let you know. Good luck to you…and may your friend learn to sever the loss and move on with grace down a new path.

    1. Annie, really, how is a friend supposed to act when all has been said and done? I keep thinking there has to be more to being a friend than assuming the role of partner in crime. Some women take divorce very badly. They stop being the women you knew and turn into this new person, completely unaware of their crazy and irrational behavior. At this point, does a good friend continue to support the cause, insane as it might be, or bail? It’s a catch 22 situation for sure.

  2. Such a sticky situation to be in. We want to support our friends and make sure they know we’re on their side. But if they are headed for trouble and we try to stop them, they just might resent our interference. With your sense of humor and good common sense, I think you’d be a great person to write that guide.

    1. Shary, you have definitely hit the nail on the head! Want to coauthor the book with me? :) You are so right–advice contrary to what they believe to be their “mission,” is seen as “butting in” or not being on the person’s side. Yet, supporting their crazy stunts is just that, crazy. We really are at odds regarding what to do. I’m grateful for your faith in my abilities. . Thank you! Now if I only had the time! :)

  3. dear lady, I would like to have some advices to offer you, but I haven’t!, Because every divorce is ugly in a different way, and I think my own disastrous experiences can only make you smile or desperate!. When one of my best friend was divorcing, I was fighting against guilt, misery and self-deprecation my friend was caught in!, and it was exhausting!. But I think you can manage the situation with your usual good humor and I wish you go through it with courage!!
    besos & valor

    1. Mrs. Allnut, muchas gracias! Truly, I understand what you’re saying. It is exhausting and it drains you of all your mental energy. The letter I wrote in this post is not a true depiction of what is happening, but more a humorous take on how crazy things can get when women don’t accept their marriage is over. Lets hope my good humor doesn’t run out! :)

  4. Oh, Bella… In a word, “intervention.” In a phrase, “mental health professional.”

    Your friend needs help, honey; this is way beyond the best friend job description; way, way beyond (and believe me when I say, I’ve gone way beyond in that capacity, and gladly).

    Love and light.

    1. Hot Coco, like I mentioned to Mrs. Allnut, the letter is a funny exaggeration of how wild things can get when a woman doesn’t accept the end of a relationship, but you are right. At this stage, an intervention by a mental health professional is in order. I think it’s the only way she will move on and accept reality.

  5. Bella Bella Bella–too much pressure for you! I like Hot Coco’s suggestion–get her to a therapist, quick!!! (But I love the book idea, and it sounds like you have the perfect experience to write it!)

    1. bwhahaha, Jann! Oh m goodness, lady, you have no idea! But on a more serious note, I think it would be beneficial for someone to write a book on how to help a friend cope and assist in the event of a traumatic divorce.

  6. Bella … love this! love this! love this! I have been divorced twice – and then there were the relationships that went way wrong – and dragged my best friends through hell and back – girl, I can tell you some stories!!! The friend who felt the only way to help me was crime – oh yeahhh … Bella, seriously – this book is needed … and I think you should write it! C’mon, you can write – we see this on the blog! Maybe it make it like an anthology, where you would be the editor, and other women and men even in this position, could contribute ….

    1. Jeannee, I think you’re on to something with the anthology concept! Hmmm…the wheels are turning! I wonder how we can get this project off the ground! Stay tuned! Oh, and thanks for making me chuckle with your comment! :)

  7. Bella – I’m soooo sorry this is happening. Be Strong, Lady! I know your friend is leaning on you. Later, when her reasoning takes over, she’ll be grateful. In the meantime, I recommend many movie marathons, a box of donuts, and heck, training for a real marathon after that. When she crosses the literal or figurative finish-line, she’ll emerge a new person. You’re a good friend!

    1. Lori, I like your plan! I think you should join me, you know, for moral support. In this case, mine. hee hee! Oh, and if you bring the doughnuts, I’ll get the coffee! :)

  8. —Bella,
    You are such a great friend.
    I have a funny divorce book written by my friend, Ginger, called “Back on Top.”
    It’s about getting back into the dating scene after divorce. Quite funny. I can send it to you.
    Love to you Bella. Kisses for Rox.

    1. Kim, I love the title of that book! That said, it would have to be my friend who has to get back on top, as in “on top of her game” and which now, she’s reluctant to do. Grief. In any case, thank you for the sweet offer! I’m going to have to check if they have it in eReader form. Now you have me intrigued! :) Much love to you, sweet lady. Roxy sends kisses!

    2. Kim, you are a sweetheart! Thank you for the vote of confidence! But you’re right. When it comes to divorce, all aspects of it, I think we all need some guidance.

  9. Bella, I think YOU should write this book. It seems as if you’ve already got a ton of chapter ideas :) In all seriousness, I’m sorry your friend is going through a rough time, and you are every so amazing in being there for her and being the “sensible” one :) Have a great weekend!

    1. Laura, I don’t know if I’m being “sensible” when I don’t put a stop to some of the crazy. However, Shary said it best when she said that if you try to stop them, they resent you. It’s tricky, to say the least. But I’m glad you agree this is a book worthy idea! hee hee! :) Have a great weekend!

  10. Now that’s a tricky one… When all is said and done, what do you do? Let’s see, if my friend decided to go shopping (without spending so much she must sell her kidneys after that) or get a lot of ice-cream, sure, I’d join. But if she decided to do something crazy, I’d tell her I thought it was a bad idea because of so-and-so — and then I’d retreat. If she wants to do something crazy and/or harmful, she won’t have my support. The same goes if she keeps prolonging her own pain. She will not have my support for that because, at that point, I’m no longer helping her heal, I’m helping her destroy herself, and I have no wish to do that.

    Sometimes, as hard as it may be, when all is said and done, it might help our dear friend if we retreat, because it’s so much easier to do crazy stuff if we have someone to do it with.

    But yeah, a manual on what to do would be nice. :)

    1. Ivana, you’re a sensible woman. And a wise one too! I’m at the point where I’m just now listening without saying a word. Not a word. I’m just a sounding board. And I think she likes it that way. :)

    1. Lady, wish that I could! Right now, I’m throwing the idea out there and hoping someone will run with it! Any takers? I’m delighted you liked the post! :)

    1. Megan, I’m with you, girl. I definitely have to get myself a pair. You know, for those times when there’s a power outage and I can’t find my way to the bathroom. Or be able to verify that the toilet seat is DOWN. Yep, a worthwhile investment, if I say so myself. hee hee! :)

  11. I can only imagine how difficult it is to watch a dear friend go through this. I have been lucky not to have to deal with it yet. Only one of my friends has been divorced (and one of my husband’s), and, thankfully, we aren’t close enough to where I’d be the one dissuading her from said voo doo doll making. Good luck to you. Sounds like your experiences would be great fodder for a book!!!!!

    1. Laura, you’ve been spared and that’s a good thing. It’s not easy watching a good friend doing irrational things in the “name of love.” However, I believe the worst is over and hopefully normalcy will soon return. And yes, when it comes to this type of subject, I’m afraid there is enough material for a book. :)

  12. Oh, Bella this just proves what a fantastic friend you must be! Honestly, I’m sure that [if they were wise moves] you would be willing to do all of the above for a friend in need.
    I’ll second the motions that you should write the experience in whichever form motivates you – and soon! If nothing else, for us voracious readers:)

    1. Aw, Jayca, I’m touched. Thank you for your kind words. This idea of writing a book started as a joke but I’m starting to think this might be an untapped market! hee hee! And you’re right–if they were wise moves, I’d be a willing participant. That said, even I have to draw the line somewhere. :)

  13. You should write the book. I love the idea of it!

    In the meantime, tell your friend to forget about him and just focus on herself. Doing the spy thing will not bring him back. It will not cause a reconciliation. It’s over, he’s clearly moved on, and now she needs to do the same. You and I both know she’ll feel better about herself and be happier in the long run.

    1. So Monica, you want to co-author? hee hee! Seriously, I’ve been after you to do a divorce type online magazine since like forever. Our wisdom is required, woman! We have much to offer and cannot deprive other sisters of what we already know. Let me know when you’re game, sister!

  14. LMAO!!! This has become one of my favorite posts! Love the way it was written and YES, a manual/book is needed since with my luck I would be the one designing the voodoo doll for my friend….Great post!

    1. Eve, I am doing the happy dance at your enthusiastic review of my post! Thank you for your kind words. And yes, we must write the book before our voodoo doll design skills are called upon! Help me! :)

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