Can you pour me some coffee while I peruse Facebook?

Last night, upon arriving from having dinner with the Significant Other, I was greeted at the door by the Son.

“Judging by Auntie M’s Facebook update, she’s either trying to snag an audition on Comedy Central, or she’s off her meds again.”

“Very funny. Let me see.”

There, for all the Facebook trolls to see, my sister had posted the following update:

“Louie, why didn’t you marry me? And more importantly, why didn’t you follow your dream of becoming a sanitation engineer?”

When I clicked on Louie’s profile, I realized he was one of my sister’s old high school boyfriends. And no, he had not gone on to become a sanitation engineer.

Instead, his public profile revealed he was a martial arts expert and a hot shot actor in Singapore.

“Aren’t you curious to know if any of your old boyfriends are on Forbes’ Wealthiest Men list, Mom?”

“I seriously doubt any of those jocks are having cocktails with the Donald.”

“I’ll tell you what. I’ll let you use my Facebook for 30 minutes so you can look up all your old flames.”

Curious to see if any of the Romeos from my past had shared Louie’s good fortune, I asked the Son to pour me a cup of coffee and began my search.

Thirty minutes later, making use of FBI skills I didn’t know I possessed, I had managed to find forty percent of my previous suitors.

I smiled broadly as one profile after another revealed that these boys had not aged well.

Receding hair lines, double chins, male pattern baldness, and bags under the eyes characterized the once coveted athletes I used to date.

Some claimed to be “in a relationship,” but judging from their badly taken self portraits, I couldn’t understand how this was possible.

Scolding myself for being so shallow, I admitted there was a possibility that these once handsome men could very well have turned out to be exceptional human beings.

Ashamed of myself for fixating on their physical appearance, I relinquished the laptop to the Son and stepped into the kitchen to make another pot of coffee.

“So, are any of your exes candidates for the cover of GQ magazine?”

“No. More like for the cover of National Geographic.”

“That bad, huh?”

“Worse.”

The Son was still laughing when I put the mocha pot on the stove.

And so was I.

What started out as a giggle, turned into a thigh slapping, hearty, belly laugh.

I laughed as I remembered the times many of them had said, “I want to break up.”

I laughed for having been silly enough to cry and think the world had come to an end.

I laughed at the realization that everything happens for a reason.

I laughed because if I had Facebook, my status update today would be: “Mark, Steve, Fernando, Tony, Lucas, Michael, Danny, Giles, Edward, and Enrique, who’s laughing now?”

Have you looked up old boyfriends/girlfriends on Facebook?

Note: Names have been changed to protect the innocent.

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78 thoughts on “Can you pour me some coffee while I peruse Facebook?

  1. And I’m laughing now :)
    I usually do the opposite and try to find a way not to be found by anyone I know.The only persons i might try and look for from another account are friends who have disappeared from my list for any reason

    1. Nikky, I’m delighted to have tickled your funny bone! My sister also looks for lost friends on Facebook, though I don’t know how many will accept her “friending” them after her last status update! :)

  2. This was so funny but so true, Bella! I think we women just take better care of ourselves. We don’t want to look old and fat and dumpy. We excercise and diet, we use wrinkle crearms, we wear clothing that is hip but not too teenagerish. We look good! And yes, it is sweet revenge :-)

    1. Michael Ann, sing it sister! Who said “revenge is sweet” wasn’t kidding, lady! hee hee! I’m happy to have provided you with a chuckle! :)

    1. Hippie, I love that word, vindication. I too felt vindicated (is that a word?) when I saw how “untrollish” I looked in comparison! hee hee! :)

  3. One of the first things I did after signing up with Facebook was check out my former high school classmates. After about fifteen minutes, I had to go back and make sure I had entered the right class year. Who were these people? I recognized very few of them. My former boyfriends and friends I’d lost touch with did not have an account. I think it is probably for the best. From the looks of my classmates who did have an account, we were not aging that well. I didn’t sign on to Facebook again for almost two years. I only signed on again because my SIL stopped emailing pictures of my nieces and nephews – she finds it easier to just post them on FB. Now that I am using it, I’ve slowly been adding friends. It kind of creeps me out though. Many postings are either too much information or flat out bragging. It is like receiving a Holiday Letter every day.

    1. Savvy, you had me giggling with your comment. You have no idea how many times I’ve met a person from my past, who’s my same age, and turned to the Son ten minutes later to ask, “Do I look that old?” Mercifully, he’s never replied yes. hee hee! I don’t do the Facebook thing because to me, it’s too much of the same old, same old. And because I don’t have time to stalk. Darn it! :)

  4. Bella, this is a hoot — what sweet revenge! I don’t do Facebook (partly because I don’t want old flames looking me up!), but I can see how a bit of detective work can pass away some time and provide for one’s amusement. Well said, Lady!

    1. Debbie, I’m gushing thanks to your lovely praise! Thank you! There’s a lot to be said for detective work. No wonder Sherlock Holmes made a living out of it! :)

  5. LOL! I don’t have Facebook, so I won’t be checking for anyone but I will live vicariously through your FB search experience. That’s good enough for me. :)

    1. Paz, I’m sorry to say your vicarious living will be short lived. Alas, I don’t think the Son will be letting me troll on his Facebook anytime soon. Oh well, we had our moment, didn’t we? hee hee! :)

    1. Renee, your mother was a wise soul. And yes, it definitely applies to old boyfriends! hee hee! I’m so happy you found this post funny! :)

    1. Kim, please do report back with what you find! Paz and I will now live vicariously through you! hee hee! Kisses for you from Roxy and me! :)

  6. No but you make me want to get a FB account and see if I can get a belly laugh, too! No, not really. The last high school reunion, I have to say almost every looked amazing in their pix (I wasn’t there but someone sent me photos). It would be college and later that I’d do digging… if I were so inclined. You made me laugh so much with this post – you rawk my friend – thank you!!!

    1. Nan, even if I don’t do Facebook, the belly laugh was totally worth the 30 minutes of stalking. I mean, trolling. Oh, you know what I mean! hee hee! It’s too bad it wasn’t enough time to look up old college boyfriends! Darn it! I’m tickled pink this post made you giggle, friend! :)

  7. Yes, Bella, I have. And I found two (two also elude me), and they both follow my blog! Of course, I really wish I could find the other two. Sigh. Maybe someday.

    In other news, just today I was watching a CNBC documentary about Facebook and they profiled a woman who found her birth mother through Facebook. It’s amazing it’s power. Taking a page from Marshall McLuhan, the world has indeed become a global village.

    1. Monica, they follow your blog? Oh my, those two sound like they were keepers! Shall we add them to the “ones that got away” list? hee hee! I’m sure Facebook does work its miracles, I just wish it were more of the kind you mention and less of the “look how beautiful I am” variety! :)

    1. Ellen, what’s checking in like? Do tell, lady! hee hee! Seriously, if any of my earlier suitors had looked hot, I too would be checking in! hee hee! :)

    2. It’s a little weird, and feels a little naughty – in a delicious sort of way. I think it’s that I’m not being stalker-ish, so much as curious, and since there is no longer an emotional connection it’s easy to simply wish them well. :-)

    3. Ellen, curious is good. And now that you mention the lack of emotional connection, curious sounds even better! Here’s to being naughty and having it feel delicious! hee hee! :)

    1. Rachel, at first I thought it was horrible too but that was until I remembered that some of these guys hadn’t been all that kind in the way they’d broken things off. I say given that, having a little mirth at their expense is justified! hee hee! :)

    1. Corinne, I have a larger mocha pot I could have put on the stove! I would have loved your company as we took on FBI roles! hee hee! And it would have been great to have someone to whom I could say, “Oh my goodness! And look at this one!” ha! :)

    1. Bella and DiDi, I am very honored that you’ve given me such a lovely award! I shall stop by your blog pronto! Thank you very much, ladies! :)

  8. I have found lots of old friends on Facebook and have made some new connections too. Old beaus? Not so much. As one of your readers said, “let sleeping dogs lie” (and lose hair and grow paunches!).

    1. Astra, “lose hair and grow paunches.” bwhahahaha! I love it! It certainly appears that’s what happened to these guys! ha! :)

    1. Elizabeth, I’m so pleased you like the post! And that you are going to follow up with other beaus! hee hee! I wonder what your past suitors will look like! ha! :)

  9. My fiance just joined facebook and it’s like he spends the entire day on there!! It’s so funny. Especially since he’s “so against” social networking & technology. lol.

    1. Kirstin, when my sister first joined, she told me the same thing. She said it was somehow addictive. I have to be honest–I don’t feel the same way. Sure, it was funny to check out past flames but after the initial laugh, I don’t see myself repeating that anytime soon. Nevertheless, it was good to have the chance! :)

  10. Bella–this is very funny! I just hope none of your exes follow your blog… I have a FB account, but I have to admit I hate FB. I witnessed an old acquaintance having a horrific public meltdown. In general FB feels invasive. I can’t stand that they monitor my activity and then clog up my email by sending messages such as “You haven’t checked FB recently…” Am working up the courage to delete my account…

    1. Jann, I’m confident none of my exes follows my blog. Or I should say, if they’re anything like my family, they don’t follow my blog. Which I think works out fine since it gives me carte blanche to write posts like these. ha! I dislike Facebook for the very reasons you mention. The privacy issues alone are enough to discourage me from ever signing up for an account. Do you have Twitter, by the way? It would be fun to tweet! :)

  11. Aaaaah facebook. Can be addicting huh? and you always find a new reason to keep on looking for people to find! hahaha. I have looked up my old crushes and boyfriends before, but not lately!

    1. Laura, the Daughter says it’s addicting. I wouldn’t dare say it has that much power. Nevertheless, it does seem to cast a spell on you where you’re compelled to keep clicking on people’s profiles! hee hee! You have to come back and tell me just how bad—or good, those old crushes look today! :)

  12. I love this post and I am embarrassed to admit I’m quite the Facebook stalker. There is something really satisfying about looking up an old flame and seeing that physically you’ve got it going on and, well, they don’t!

    1. Lady, your words just made me giggle! Big time! It’s horrible for us to think this way, but what the heck, right? hee hee! :)

  13. Guilty!!!

    Yep, I’ve looked them up. Everybody is a bit wider around the equator, and seems to have odd hair things going on. Comb-overs. Or long hair in a ponytail – all three hairs.

    Sometimes it’s better to leave the picture out. Less can definitely be more.

    Great post, hysterical as always!

    1. Eloise, all three hairs? bwhahahaha! Oh my gosh! I can’t stop laughing at the comb over image! Most definitely, less is more, lady. Sadly, men don’t think this way. Oh well, better for us since it provides a good giggle! :)

  14. I must say, I’ve been tempted..but haven’t…but SO fun to read this Bella. I’ve been so busy that I’ve not popped in and caught up..and reading your blog is one of the best things to catch up on. I hope you’ve been well and that you’ve been spoiling your sweet Roxy recently! Always so awesome that you pop by my blog..thank you!!

    1. Shirley, what do you mean you haven’t given in to temptation? You’re the good girl I never was! hee hee! Little Roxy has been spoiled rotten these past few days. Plenty of long walks, cuddles, and a warm blankie at night! I love popping by your blog and am equally pleased when you drop by here! Thank you so much for your visit, sweet lady! :)

  15. I haven’t looked up any of my old boyfriends on Facebook (not that there was all that many of them – a total of five), but I have stumbled upon the profiles of 3 of them, simply because we still have some friends in common. One of those 3 I added to my friends list, since we stayed on good terms anyway (he moved to USA, works in the movies, special effects, and is the crazy guy he always was), with the rest of them I have nothing to talk about, so I did nothing.
    Now that you mention their waistlines and hair loss, that one guy lost some extra weight he had for a while, still has all of his hair, the other two stayed pretty much the same, minus some hair – or I think they stayed pretty much the same, since I looked at their pictures for about a second and a half. :)

    1. Ivana, doesn’t sound like your exes have changed much and that can be a bummer! hee hee! Seriously though, it’s nice that you’re keeping in touch with some of them. Perhaps you can “friend” more of them if you stay on their profiles longer than a second and a half, lady! ;)

  16. They say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery but I disagree I believe stalking is the sincerest form of flattery which is why Facebook has been such a godsend. I’m only half joking. I have been tempted to look up my exes from time to time, generally after a bottle of wine, but fortunately I have managed to resist the urge because when it comes down to it there’s a reason why they’ve been consigned to the past.

    1. I love your reasoning. I really do. Unfortunately, we don’t all have such formidable will power. And really, lets face it, we can all use a good laugh from time to time. I’m just glad Facebook was able to provide it that night! And I didn’t even have to resort to wine! hee hee! :)

  17. Bella,first of all, Thank you for leaving your feedback in my blog!
    About this topic that you have raised, you would be surprised to know that I had only one boyfriend in my life, {he is my husband now, I met him when I was 12 !} and I am not on facebook ! Also nobody pursued me since I had my husband as a boyfriend from such a young age ! My life is like that.
    Anyway, I loved how you used humour to write this post, I enjoyed reading it a lot.
    keep it up
    and have a nice day!
    Love,
    Sanghamitra

    1. Sanghamitra, your husband is your only love? How utterly beautiful! Truly this is what fairy tales are made of! How wonderful for you friend. And just think, you don’t have to stalk any exes on Facebook! hee hee! I’m delighted you liked the post. Thank you for dropping by, lady! Much love to you! :)

  18. Oh, my dear. This is hysterical. Of course I’ve looked them up. Only found one thought and it scared the crap out of me. It’s not that he looked bad or anything, but I thought, “Oh shit. What if there’s some way he finds out I looked him up and comes looking for me? I rather what happened in high school stay in high school. And your kid sounds like a funny guy. ;)

    1. Jayne, the Son is a hoot–when he wants to be! ha! I had to giggle at your fear of being discovered by an ex. I have to admit that I didn’t give that a second thought when I checked and this surprises me considering I’m usually quite paranoid. By all means, lets leave what happened in high school stay in high school. I don’t know what I was thinking and now you’ve got me worried! hee hee! :)

  19. Bella, I’m on FB, but I can’t imagine looking up my old flings. There was my first love from h.s. that I just befriended after ALL these years. But we’re superficial in our discourse. As in,
    Me: “How are you?”
    R: “I’m well. How about you?”
    Me: “I’m ok.”
    R: “Just ok?”
    Me:Just a little stressed right now.”

    Adorable post Bella!

    1. Debra, I think superficial discourse is one of the reasons I wouldn’t “friend” an ex if I had Facebook! No can do, sister. Although if we’re honest, what could we possibly have to say to someone we haven’t seen in decades. Yep, I think it’s best to let sleeping dogs lie. I’m so glad you liked the post, lady! I’m happy to see you round these parts! :)

  20. National Geographic? That is hilarious! I, too, am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. Wet may not always find out what that reason is, but it’s nice when it turns out to be in our favor. :-)

    1. Adriene, you’re such a wise soul. I wholeheartedly agree–it is a bound when things turn out in our favor! I always take that as a sign that we are being rewarded for having done something right! ha! :)

  21. Love this! Yes, I have! I show my husband so that he can feel like such a stud muffin catch (which he is!). Now I must admit that there are a couple in there that still aren’t too bad! I don’t have to tell Hubby of 33 years everything, now do I?

    1. Nina, you most definitely do not need to tell Hubby everything! Your secret is safe with me! Stud muffin catch–I love it! I absolutely love it! :)

  22. I only have two! One I don’t think is on FB (he’s one of THOSE kinds) but I did see him about a year ago and he’s doing okay – more stable than he used to be, in a relationship, although not sure what he wanted to do work wise. The other is on FB and has gone on to pilot training, which is what he wanted to do, and from a spot of Googling, has kept up (and improved) his photography chops. He’s pretty good, actually. Only slightly jealous.

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