Could this be the best kept secret?


cc licensed ( BY ND ) flickr photo shared by Skelekitten

Note: Be advised that this post deals with a subject of a sensitive nature.
Dear readers, please read at your discretion.

“I sat there and listened to him. I heard the group of men he was with laugh heartily. The only thing that kept me from outing him was her pleading look across the table. I was outraged, Bella. Disgusted. And to think this poor woman may not be alone; that other women might find themselves in this circumstance.

Ever since you were ten, I’ve heard you quote, ‘knowledge is power.” Well, don’t you want to know if this is the best kept secret in the world? Don’t you want to debunk the myth? Isn’t it, like you say, your ‘civic duty’ to create awareness?”

“Yes, but my readership is mainly composed of women.”

“So what? Don’t you think it will help women like Betty? Don’t you think it will help her feel better to know that she is not alone? That this has nothing to do with her?”

While I love to write what I hope are humorous posts, I also like to address subjects that I feel strongly about.

The introduction to this post is an excerpt of a conversation I had with my sister. She was recently invited to dinner at a friend’s house and had witnessed her friend’s husband joking with his friends over his frustration of “not getting any.”

Not only did my sister find his public disclosure of lack of intimacy with his wife distasteful, she also knew he was lying. A week before, her friend Betty had mentioned she hadn’t had sex with her husband in six months.

The reason? He wasn’t interested.

However, when in the company of other men, Betty’s husband had felt the need to make light of the situation and blame her for their non-existent sex life.

Sex starved women.

As a society, we’ve been conditioned to believe that men are always ready for sex; that testosterone drives them to have intercourse so they can reproduce, spread their seed, because it’s in their nature.

Boys will be boys.
He’s a man, for God’s sake.
Men just can’t help themselves.
Testosterone fuels their desire.

We hear this constantly.
Everywhere we turn, we are bombarded with the notion that men are sex machines.

Yet my sister will attest to the fact that the group of women who sat huddled in Betty’s family room are of a different opinion.

Every one of them complained that their husbands always had an excuse for not having sex.

Yes, folks, for not having sex.

They were too tired.
Too stressed.
Worried about work.
Not in the mood.
Thought it was too much work.
Didn’t have the energy for it.

Healthy men.
Men who were not having affairs.
Men who were not suffering from depression.
Men who were not substituting sex with porn.
Men who were simply not interested in having sex with their wives.

The result?

Women who felt rejected.
Women who thought it was their fault.
Who thought that it was because they weren’t sexy enough.
Who thought they weren’t desirable.
Who thought it was because they’d gained weight, gotten older, gotten grayer.
Women who felt unworthy.
Women who were trapped in a relationship with a man who was nothing more than a roommate.

This post leads us to ask many questions.

Why do we continue to fall prey to the myth that men are the only ones who are sex starved?

What is causing men to lose interest in sex?

What compels men to lie about their lack of sexual libido?

How can women deal with the feelings of rejection and the insecurities that surface as a result of living in these circumstances?

Why isn’t this being discussed more openly?

Why is the only suggestion given, “talk to your husband” when clearly men do not want to discuss the issue?

Is partner celibacy more of a reality than we think it is?

Today’s post is meant to fuel conversation around these topics.
Intelligent and respectful feedback will not only help us discover possible answers, it will also help determine if Betty is alone in her predicament or if more women are also dealing with this problem.

Your input is most appreciated.
I have allowed for anonymous comments on this post so those who wish to share their thoughts but not their identity can participate.
Please note that I reserve the right to delete any comment I feel is not relevant to the discussion.

What say you, friends?

XOXO,

Names have been changed to protect the innocent.

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52 thoughts on “Could this be the best kept secret?

  1. It is very true that it still appears to be predominately men who are seen as even having a sex drive. Personally, I find any reason for not having sex very hurtful. I think perhaps the emphasis on men being so sexually fueled makes it of greater consequence if they do not want to have sex as they are so massively expected to.
    Great post :)

  2. This is an interesting post. I’m curious to see what people say. I think being tired and stressed out and then using alcohol to relax might have to do with diminishment of libido in both men and women.

    1. Alcohol does seem to be the culprit in many cases. Unfortunately, I’m afraid many people seem to turn to it as a form of avoidance. Like you mention, alcohol, while it may serve to relax, can also diminish our ability to be fully engaged in sex. Not a solution, if you ask me.

  3. Bella,
    Haven’t commented in awhile, but you have touched on a subject that pierces my heart. I have a husband who is 32 years older, and when we first got together, we were constantly at each other. I was young and naive and thought that would always be the way. Unfortunately he has gotten older, as have I, and he has medical issues that make it difficult for us to be intimate, unfortunately my libido hasn’t shut off.
    I am ashamed to admit I did try an affair, and it almost ruined my marriage. I am ashamed that it was sex I was after not another relationship. I learned a lot that year, and our marriage did survive, but it was/is hard to rebuild the trust. The issue unfortunately did not get resolved between us about our lack of a sex life. I have decided for me that I want him as my partner, and father to our children, so I have to compromise on that issue. Yes, I guess we are room mates, but loving caring mates, a mate that I can’t imagine not having with me.

    There is so much more that I would love to write…but I feel exposed already. Thank you for bringing this up, nice to know that I am not the only woman that struggles.

    1. Mamapants, thank you for your honesty. I read your comment and all I could think was, this was the reason I wrote this post. After Betty’s confession, my sister and I were convinced she could not be alone in this situation. Fortunately, you are in a loving relationship and it appears you have learned to cope. If I’m honest, I don’t know if companionship would be enough for me. However, having a man who is willing to forgive an affair is not something you find every day. Knowing you are loved and valued goes a long way, lady. Hang in there!

  4. Bella, thanks for bringing up a difficult and challenging subject. Have you seen the movie Hope Springs, by the way? It’s about this very thing.

    I went through this in a previous marriage, and I felt as though there was no one I could talk to about it. Why did it happen? So many reasons…I think couples in general are often too busy with work, kids, and a thousand obligations. In our case, it also happened to be indicative of incompatibility that stayed under the surface until a series of life crises brought it to the surface. I realize now, looking back, that it was our way of fighting with each other without actually fighting. When I “got it” that we were two good people who just didn’t belong together, I divorced him with much love and affection. We both moved on to relationships that better suited us, and that has made a huge difference.

    It’s really sad that as a society we are so uncomfortable talking about sex that we can’t be more open with each other.

    1. Hi Nadine! I really think this is an issue that needs to be discussed. So many women feel like Betty. It is important that these women know that they are not alone. I can’t imagine what something like this does to a person’s self esteem. I think the many reasons you mention can be part of the problem for many couples. Many times both men and women will withhold sex as a way to punish or exert control in the relationship. I’m glad you were able to make the decision you did and you were able to do it with such love and maturity. You are my hero! I wish I could say that about my previous break ups. Alas, they have been anything but! hee hee! Thank you for mentioning how our society’s uptight outlook of sex serves to fuel situations like these. I agree wholeheartedly!

  5. What a powerful topic. I look forward to reading the comments and other people’s opinions. I don’t feel I am qualified to say anything since Alpha Hubby and I learned during our first year of marriage, that after a few days you can slip into roommate-status quite easily. We vowed then to protect that intimacy with everything we had, even if it was only to talk about it to stay connected. But I have friends facing this same problem so look forward to reading the comments.

    1. Nan, you are a wise one. Addressing an issue like this, I believe, should be done early on. Sadly, this is not the case for a lot of women. I think it’s because as women, we are taught to believe that men will never be disinterested in sex. However, we are realizing this is not always the case. May your relationship continue to be blessed. I live vicariously through you, as you already know! :) Please do pass the link to the post to your friends. I would love to have them chime in on the conversation. And they can do so anonymously!

  6. Partner celibacy is probably more common than we think it is — it is an intimate issue, and people are unlikely to talk about it.

    Why do men lie about the lack of their libido? Probably because our society teaches them that a man who doesn’t constantly want to have sex is not a man; on top of that, some men are taught not to talk about their problems, otherwise they’re — you guessed it — not manly enough.

    As for women feeling insecure and rejected because their husbands keep turning them down, I believe they should talk about it with their husbands. Maybe not directly about the refusal itself — surely “Is it because of me, have I done something wrong?” is a harmless enough question, one that doesn’t question the husband’s manhood? If the husband doesn’t wish to assure his wife it wasn’t her fault, that he still found her beautiful and attractive and still loved her, well… Something is definitely wrong in such a relationship, not because of the lack of sex as such, but because the love and the companionship might be gone as well. If there are problems and libido gets thrown out of the window for a while, it’s one thing, it might come back. But if love and companionship are no longer there, what’s left?

    1. Ivana, thank you for enhancing this post! I am eagerly nodding in affirmation as I read your words. I believe you are spot on–well, on everything! I too believe that a lack or respect, mutual admiration, and above all, connectedness, can lead to this type of situation. I think the only thing capable of saving Betty might be couple’s therapy and even then, I don’t know if there is still hope for this marriage. Thank you for your input!

  7. Wow, Bella. I can’t speak for myself, because I’m not in a relationship. But I have friends and family who either have gone through, or are going through, this very thing. The common threads: shame, guilt, diminished self-esteem – and not one of them warranted, because it’s not about them.
    One of the relationships ended in a divorce that shocked the couple’s larger community. They were looked to as an example of a solid relationship that they truly worked at and invested in. While it opened a can of worms, in one sense, it, more importantly, opened a line of communication for other women that had been sorely missing.
    I wonder: Is this something new? Is this something intrinsic to the hyper-connected, technology-based, stress-filled world we live in? Or is it something – like mental illness and sexual abuse – that is finally being brought into the light after lurking in the shadows for decades or even centuries?
    Love. xoxo

    1. Ellen, indeed “it is not about them.” I echo your sentiment wholeheartedly. Sadly, it matters not if it’s the man or the woman on the receiving end, the hurt and rejection are the same. That said, it is my experience that when it’s the woman, she has to process the hurt without actually knowing why the man is withholding sex. I don’t think I’m generalizing when I say that the majority of men do not want to talk about the subject. It appears that it is always easier to blame on it on something other than the real root of the problem. I love how you bring up technology as a possible culprit. I can tell you that there are times, many times, actually, that it seems like the Significant Other and I live in different homes. He’s in the living room with his laptop and I’m in the family room with mine. Couple communication is severely hampered by technology. Most assuredly, it is what has replaced television and what stands in the way of couples having real intimacy. Thank you for your feedback!

    1. Mrs. Allnut, I’m so happy that you added your input! Thank you! I too hate the feelings that are inspired by this type of situation. I imagine that the woman feels quite unloved and unwanted. The thought of those feelings alone, I know, break the hearts of most women. Wouldn’t you agree? ¡Besos, mi señora!

  8. Bella,
    At first, Mr. Liverpool and I had sex 2 to 3 times per day. We couldn’t keep our hand off of one another. Seriously…for 5 years. At least.
    Now, we need to make time for it, make a date for it, schedule it.
    ..And with all of the stress of Kay’s murder etc….I have not been as interested like I used to be..
    Anyhow, I feel sex starts in the kitchen. For example, hand holding, flirting, kissing…you know what i’m talking about. This is sooooooooo sexy.
    Every couple is different. Marriage is hard, damn it, and we need to keep it interesting.

    That’s my 2 cents.

    Xxx kiss for Rox.

    1. Kim, I know that many couples schedule “dates” and this seems to facilitate intimacy a lot more than if left up to chance. Sadly, not all men are as accommodating as your wonderful Mr. Liverpool! I can imagine how certain life events would change every facet of our lives, including the sexual aspect. I think most women would agree that tragedies leave us spent, sad, and depressed. And really, who wants to be in the mood when one is feeling like that? Not me! I love how you give us tips on how to make intimacy more scintillating! We have much to learn from you, lady! Kisses and hugs to you from Roxy and me!

  9. A single friend confided that so many of the men in the dating pool, (over 45), had some form of ED. And it wasn’t just her experience. Her other single female friends were having similar dilemmas. What has happened? Was it always this way and we just didn’t discuss it?

    I’m in a marriage that has always been good where sex is concerned. But I wouldn’t enjoy be the butt of jokes in mixed company. Your sister is right on.

    1. Renee, most definitely physical problems like erectile dysfunction are a reason that many men are not sexually active. Thankfully, with the right medication, this doesn’t have to be a problem anymore. I too wonder what has happened and am convinced that shame, embarrassment, and even guilt prevents us from talking about this. Such a shame considering effective communication skills would put couples suffering from this predicament on the right path.

  10. Bella this is a very thought provoking post. Usually it is always the husbands complaining they don’t get enough sex from their wives so it an excuse to look elsewhere. But you have today shown us the other side of the coin. What if women want it and men are clearly not interested? And to top it all they joke about it in front of their friends! How insensitive can they get? Their sexual prowess is so hyped up that it becomes an ego issue for them. They may not be able to perform and make the woman responsible for it. How pathetic!

    http://rimlybezbaruah.blogspot.in/2013/03/6-word-memoir_9.html

    1. Rimly, herein lies the irony of this situation. We’ve been lead to believe that women are the ones making up excuses to not have sex. The “I have a headache” joke has been replayed to no end. And yet, it would appear that many men are the ones begging off to not engage in physical relations. To pretend to be something you’re not is indeed pathetic. My heart goes out to Betty.

  11. I admit that if one if us is too tired, it’s usually me, but there have been times he’s turned me down, too. We both think a good sex life is important for our relationship, though, so we decided to schedule “dates” to keep life from getting in the way. I guess it’s not very romantic, but it does help us keep connected.

    1. Anonymous, I think scheduling dates is a good way to stay connected. You’re right–it may not scream spontaneity but at least you’re communicating and staying intimate. And that goes a long way in a relationship. Good for you!

    1. I’m so pleased you liked the post. To right, lady, both sexes are victims here. If only the lines of communication were kept open, this may not have come to this. Sigh.

  12. Its been my experience these things happen all the time. In many relationships old and new. I’ve found its really important to talk about the issue but most men don’t want to talk. Its embarrassing and a lot of times they don’t know why they feel the way they do. I find when there is a tough subject like this to discuss going old school helps out. By old school I mean write letters to each other. Then you’re more relaxed to say how you really feel because the pressure of being in your partners face is not there. Not to mention you have time to really think about your responses to questions the other may ask. Another solution to this problem is actually good health. Energy fuels energy if you both exercise and eat right your hormone levels will be more normal. Also take the TV out of the bedroom! Its a distraction that hinders the time you should be spending with the person you share that room and the bed with. Something else I practice is a little dirty talk via texting. I don’t get to descriptive but it gets him thinking. Also we compliment each other pretty often. Not just flattery but good honest compliments. For instance when he does something simple like taking out the trash I tell him how strong and sexy he looks while doing it. I also thank him for his hard work going to work every day and taking good care of us. This makes him feel good about himself which really turns him on because he feels like he is doing his job and doing it well. That’s when I feel the most sexy, when I feel good about myself. Sometimes I just walk around the house in shorts and a pair of high heels just for fun. It makes me feel sexy and he thinks its funny. And lastly I think laughing together is one of the best ways to work through negative feelings. Psychologically speaking, just seeing someone truly smiling improves your mood. Just my opinion though, great post!!

    1. Anonymous, I find writing letters is a wonderful way of communicating for couples that either can’t come together for conversation because of conflicting work schedules or for those who experience difficulty discussing these type subjects. In the beginning of my relationship with the Significant Other, we used to be able to talk about anything. There was no embarrassment no matter what the topic. Sadly, time has not been our friend and our lines of communication are not as open. I don’t know whether it’s the result of being with a person too long or simply drifting apart for lack of common interests. Hence, I know how not talking about a problem can only make things worse. You’ve given us many great tips that I hope many of us can incorporate in our relationships. Thank you!

  13. Oh Bella, this is maddening. And also, this is why I stay single. Who needs this? Truly, I feel marriage is not for everyone. It takes a rare breed who can stay the course, for better and for worse, long after the initial spark is gone, to remain together. Some make it work and are happy. Some stay together unhappily, and some call it quits, either at the first sign of trouble or later. It’s really hard and really sad, when one spouse can’t be honest, and must protect is machismo by blaming the other. If you ask me, she should have called him out on it as soon as he said that. Dios mio! Feel better, girl. Who’s walking Roxy these days? Kisses for you both!

    1. Monica, sing it, sister! I couldn’t agree more. It takes a rare breed indeed to survive the ups and the lows. I have mentioned to you before how I truly believe that long term relationships can fall into decay when apathy sets in. It seems to me that Betty and her husband have drifted apart and now they’re lashing out at each other any way they can. He withholds sex and makes her feel miserable and she lashes out and fights all the time as a way of being heard. It’s truly sad. I know one thing, I would definitely have called the Significant Other a liar in front of a crowd if he were to lie like that. Not acceptable, I tell you. Little Roxy gets walked in the morning by the Son before he starts school work and in the evening by the Significant Other. I’ve walked her in the afternoon the past three days but trust me, I have returned home gasping for air and with my knee on fire. I hope the tide turns soon, chica. I don’t know how much more of this I can take. :( Thanks for asking. Roxy sends you and Sir Henry hugs!

  14. Dear Bella,

    This is a fascinating subject — Thank you, truly, for the personal invitation to join the conversation!

    If a couple is not having sex because the husband is not interested and then he tells his buddies that they’re not having sex because the wife is not interested, this is NOT a sexual problem. This is a whole ‘nuther kind of problem. In fact, this has nothing to do with sex at all.

    One of my current relationship role models is the marriage of President John Adams & his wife Abigail. They were married for 54 years and seem to have been madly in love and both working toward a passion for improving the world in ways that were far more important than their sex life as evidenced by their love letters collected in the book ‘My Dearest Friend’ http://www.amazon.com/My-Dearest-Friend-Letters-Abigail/dp/0674057058

    They didn’t see each other for months or even years at a time. But, their romance stands today as a shining example of what I want, and what I have, with my sweetheart.

    I like sex A LOT and I’m also highly aware that when my sweetheart is not available to me, for whatever reason, that creative energy goes into other areas where it is needed. The amazing work we are each doing in the world is quite a turn-on when we finally get together even if it has been weeks or months.

    1. Linda, thank you for providing us with feedback. I agree that many times when this sort of situation takes place there’s more than just the lack of sex. Like others have mentioned, a breakdown in communication is one of the problems that ultimately leads to this. President John Adams…I’m afraid they don’t make them like that no more! hee hee! I want to think that there are still men who write their wives love letters. I can’t think of anything more romantic! I like your take on investing energy on creative pursuits when your sweetie is not available. I can’t think of a better way to channel pent up energy! ha! ;)

  15. This is horrible. A really close friend just broke up with her boyfriend of 5 years. They haven’t sex in 6 months even though she initiated many times. It turns out he was cheating on her. With that said, I wish that I’d be having sex till I’m 70!!!

    1. Chloe, I am delighted to see you weigh in on this topic. Sadly, what you say is also a possibility of why men don’t have sex with their wives. Many women might think that lack of sex can mean that their husbands are having an affair. It’s what I would think! Yet Betty swears that this is not her case. Her husband is simply turned off of having sex. I think she would find the situation less frustrating if he at least offered her an explanation, you know?

  16. You know, Bella…I havent read any of the other comments so I don’t know if I am being redundant or coming from left field, but my take is that many modern women unknowingly emasculate their male partners. I dont think they know they do it. I dont think their partners realize what is happening to them, but the way I see it, an effect of that is a loss of libido, of life energy. So how does the ‘modern’ woman emasculate her male partner? By playing more masculine roles (not male, but masculine…goal-oriented, perfectionist, rational, etc) by denying her own feminine roles (receptivity, being vs. doing, feeling-focused, etc) by being what the ‘modern’ world most values in a patriarchal, competition-driven culture, by being a ‘modern’ woman. Marion Woodman, a champion on this subject and one of my biggest life heros, writes about this a lot. She was a student of Jung himself and saw the masculine/feminine balance of energy as one of the biggest challenges for the ‘modern’ woman. And thus…their partners. All that to say, we are all in this together. Thanks for posting, dear one.

    1. Brynne, thank you for providing us with another possibility as to what this takes place. I can see how a woman emasculating her husband would be detrimental to the relationship. I think arguing excessively and complaining round the clock also leads to killing the mood. Sadly, I think men’s lack of wanting to talk about the problem is what oftentimes push women into addressing the subject over and over. It’s simply their attempt of wanting to get answers. I will definitely check out the works of Marion Woodman! Thank you for your suggestion, sweet pea!

  17. Very interesting! I completely agree with those who stated that marriage/intimacy takes work and commitment, even in this personal area, as the years go by. And it’s totally worth the effort!! But I must say, pointing an accusing finger at your partner in public, and to friends who won’t forget, is beyond degrading. Personally, I’d have a hard time summoning up the butterflies feeling over someone willing to shame me publicly. Completely unloving and insensitive.

    1. Lori, you are dead on, sister. Although at this point, methinks Betty’s husband is past caring how much his actions hurt her. I think it may be time to evaluate if it’s worth continuing in the marriage. There’s only so much a woman can take and by the looks of it, Betty may have reached her breaking point.

  18. I see enough posts on the Huffington Post about the reasons women have affairs, and it’s pretty much the reasons you list. I have to wonder. I don’t have a large sampling of knowledge on the subject and I am private about this aspect of my life, but I hope my desires burn well into my silver haired years. I am rather sickened that the husband talked about his personal life in front of others, that’s cruel and hurtful.

    1. Brenda, you’re right–many women resort to having affairs in search of feeling loved and valued. It may not be a solution to the problem but I think in their mind’s eye, it’s a way to feel validated and looked at as a woman. In this type of situation, a woman can come to believe that she’s invisible; that her spouse no longer “sees” her. Sadly, that can lead her to look for love and attention elsewhere.

  19. You have triggered a discussion which is very close to the hearts of many women. I think that as a relationship matures the sex may not be wild or even frequent and is replaced with greater intimacy with the hearts. But in this case the husband shaming his wife to cover up for his disinterest in sex is absolutely unacceptable. There simply is no heart connect and respect critical to any marriage to last.

    1. Fiona, it is true that passionate love, if one is lucky, turns into companionate love. It’s also true that the desire to have sex round the clock also lessens with time. For the lucky ones, love, respect, and caring still remain. Sadly, other women don’t transition into this new stage. Some women, like Betty, are left to wonder what it is they did wrong or what lead their husbands to lose interest in them, not only sexually, but as women.

  20. I was going to write a long post however am emotionally and physically exhausted this week by men who are obviously from a different planet… Amen to all comments above. Thank goodness for girlfriends xx Amazing post Bella and one I am sure so many of us relate to.

    1. Soul, I wish it were the case that this was an isolated problem. Yet my sister tells me that the group of women (six in total), all had something to say regarding their feelings of being neglected and unappreciated. We really have to think about what is causing this technology. This discussion has served to identify, stress, technology, extra marital affairs, and work pressures as the culprits. That said, I still wonder what can be done so it doesn’t come to this.

  21. Here’s my issue: if we have too much sexual appetite we are sluts, if too little, prudes. But, as your conversation points out, it doesn’t even matter if it’s true or not! Not having sex in a relationship is hard enough without talking about it publicly (it’s different to ask advice to a few friends in private) and blatantly lying about who’s fault that is. I feel so sorry for Betty and every woman this is happening to. To be shamed for something that is not your fault and to feel rejected and unloved on a daily basis must feel so lonely. Instead of being something to commiserate with the guys on, it should be a jumping off point to start talking to your partner about each other’s needs and perhaps seek help. Nothing is all good or all bad, and relationships take two people to be fully invested to work properly.

    1. Daniella, I couldn’t have said it better myself. I strongly agree with your comment. It does take two people and while Betty’s claims that she’s tried to address the subject for years, he never has anything to say. She’s either met with silence or him making promises to improve. However, none of this happens. I’m not one to tell someone to walk away from a relationship but it does seem like she’s very unhappy and he has no interest in modifying his behavior.

    1. Te lo digo, Ofelia, es increible! No me paso a creer que esta mujer tengo que aguntar semejante barbaridad. Yo no me hubiera quedado callada. Lo confronto en frente del grupo y lo dejo come embustero! jajajaja!

  22. Sex in a relationship is definitely important, IF sex is important to you, I’ve learned. And I really am not surprised that there are males who aren’t interested in having sex with their partners because of the reasons you mentioned above. I don’t mean to sound insensitive or anything, and of course I don’t know the whole story, but it sounds like there isn’t a whole lot of communication going between people in a relationship if both are feeling sex-starved or rejected. To me, it seems as if they are both trying to cope with each of their own problems, but are doing so incorrectly. The husband may be trying to use humor, which to the wife comes off as shaming. Perhaps he means to, or perhaps he doesn’t. Communication. It’s key.

    1. I had an interesting conversation with a male co-worker on Friday. He began joking about always being too tired to have sex with his wife. In addition to working for straight commission and having three young kids, he recently had surgery for a sinus problem that did not go well and is plagued with headaches. He told me nine o’clock he’s on the treadmill then straight to bed, falling to sleep the minute his head hits the pillow. His wife is not pleased. He then began asking me about my sex life. I was incredibly embarrassed and felt uncomfortable discussing this with him. Past conversations have been friendly, but almost entirely about work or the economy. He then went a little too far with his comments. I am sure he is frustrated and I can empathize with him from afar, but don’t want to be that chummy in the workplace.

      On another note, once men reach a certain age I think they lose their libido. That’s why Viagra is such a popular drug.

    2. Oh, Savvy, I can see why this was awkward! I don’t like to discuss my sex life with people I care about, imagine with a coworker! I totally agree–sometimes too much information is just that, too much information. At least he gave you the reason he’s not getting busy with his wife and allowed you to share it with us! hee hee! The loss of sexual libido is a problem for many men. Sadly, when men are losing theirs, women are feeling more sexual than ever. I tell you, what’s a woman to do? :)

    3. Laura, you’re right–some people do use humor to try to deflect from the real problem. Also, like you mention, lack of good communication could very well be the culprit to this couple’s problems. From what Betty says, her husband is not one to discuss anything. Any problem she tries to talk to him about, he stonewalls her and says, “I don’t know.” I can see why she is as frustrated and angry as she is. At this point, I’m afraid it would take more than mere talking to get this couple back on track.

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