Don’t you think you deserve it?

Happy New Year!
Image by Evan Leeson

A close friend called last night to tell me her divorce had been finalized.

Twenty three years of hardships and struggles had finally come to an end.

“I guess now I can tick the box that says single on my tax return” she said through her tears.

Hearing her sob on the other end, I felt confused.

During the two years it had taken for her divorce to become final, I had heard her talk about how unhappy she was, of how she felt like a prisoner in her home, how she wished she could break free.

Yet the day had arrived and she had welcomed it sobbing.

“What will I do now?” she wailed. “I feel utterly incomplete.”

For once, I was at a loss for words.

Should I tell her to host a party to declare her new state of independence, or should I voice the old adage of “This too shall pass”?

I did neither.

Instead, I listened to her fears of starting over, of finding her place in the world, of joining the ranks of single mothers who struggle to raise their children.

And when she was done, I simply said:

You’ve been given the chance to do something many women wish they could do but don’t.

You’ve been given the chance to start over.

To live your life the way it was meant to be lived.

Without restrictions.
Without disapproval.
Without someone policing your every move.

You deserve to be loved unconditionally, without having to act, be, or look a certain way.

You deserve to be appreciated, respected, admired.

You deserve someone who truly listens, and cares about what you have to say.

You deserve someone who doesn’t chastise you, tears you down, or reduces you to a state of invisibility.

You deserve someone who values your independence and encourages you to soar.

Someone who supports you, motivates you, and desires you.
Someone who thinks you’re perfect just the way you are.

Yes, my friend, you’ve been given the chance to reacquaint yourself with the old you.

The chance to leave behind the excess baggage that has held you down for so long.

The chance to resurrect the woman you were before, or reinvent a brand new you.

The chance to meet new people or reconnect with old friends.

The chance to process lessons learned and plan new adventures.

You are free.
Your life is just beginning

I thought long and hard whether to publish this post today and not one I had written on New Year’s resolutions.

Yet it’s today’s date which makes this post all that more significant.

A New Year–a new beginning.

Tabula rasa.
A clean slate.
A chance to rewind, fast forward, hit play.

This post goes out to anyone who is unhappy but unsure of what to do.

As you ring in the New Year, remember, you deserve to come out of the shadows and into the light.

You deserve to be all you were meant to be.

Happy New Year!


49 thoughts on “Don’t you think you deserve it?

  1. OH MY GOSH Miss B – this was AWESOME. Awesome, awesome, awesome. It says it all. I just wish I’d had someone like you to say that to me all those years ago. It would have helped so much. I thank God I was smart enough somehow to wait for Alpha Hubby who does all that – love me unconditionally, builds me up, helped me heal and keeps me there, he appreciates me, admires me, respects me, protects me, and is everything a woman deserves in a man. Only God because how on earth would I have met him otherwise? He is a miracle. Your post is PERFECT.

    1. Nan, I am delighted you liked the post. I too wish I had received some guidance when I was going through my divorce. At the time, it seemed like life would never be the same. Thankfully, it was just the opposite. I can’t explain the sense of liberation after cutting the chains that bind and gag. :)

  2. So beautiful! I wish everyoone could hear this. Divorce can be bitter sweet, if at all sweet. It can feel like such a failure, and like being torn from your identity. That’s why it is such a struggle even if it is SO the right thing!

    1. Jodi, you’re spot on. Ironic, isn’t it? How something that can free you at the same time feels like it’s killing a part of you? Without a doubt, one of life’s paradoxes. i can tell you that once my divorce was final, I never looked back. Nowadays, I only do so when I want to see how far I’ve come! :)

  3. Beautiful post, Bella. When we’re in the midst of a divorce, it’s all too easy to see ourselves as failures…when often we’re doing the healthy thing for ourselves. Your friend is hurting and grieving right now, but she has much to look forward to. I know…I’ve been there. Happy new year!

    1. Nadine, I think this is what my friend is experiencing now. However, I think everyone’s journey towards healing is different. Fortunately, the end game shows us how advantageous it was to finally break free. Happy New Year to you, lady! :)

  4. Well said, Bella. I understand it’s not easy to be single after 23 years of living with someone — heck, I’d miss an enemy after 23 years, let alone someone I once loved. Seeing it as a new beginning seems like a good idea.

    1. Ivana, you’re right–whether it’s positive or negative, we tend to create a sense of attachment in our relationships. In the long run, however, it’s best to sever ties with those that are toxic and which prevent us from being ourselves. Happy New Year! :)

    1. Aw, Rachel, you say the nicest things! I’m happy this post moved you. I got quite emotional as I was writing it! :)

  5. Wow, Bella. Your friend is lucky to have you, to hear this. Wonderful advice that is beautifully written. Brava. Wishing you the very best for 2014, amica mia. xxxxxx

  6. Bella, this is simply beautiful! What a wise woman you are, and what a good friend. I wish someone had told me something like this when I was going through my divorce many moons ago. What might feel like the end of the world really is just the beginning of a new world. New chances for your friend to BE who she wants to be, without chains. Scary? Sure, but nothing worthwhile is achieved by the faint of heart. Happy New Year to you, dear!

    1. Debbie, your words serve to add to this post. Thank you! As you mention–starting over is scary. I think it’s this very fear what paralyzes us and keeps us in toxic relationships many times. It takes belief in one’s self to break free. Not an easy task, I’m afraid. Happy New Year, lady! :)

    1. Kim, I’m delighted you liked the post. A visit to your blog by Roxy and me is long overdue. Please forgive my absence. I’m making my way there. I promise! Happy New Year! :) Hugs!

  7. Bella, I know what you mean about fears of starting over while being miserable in the current state. In this case that your friend feels incomplete – it’s might be because her definition of complete in the past had more to do with gaining her husband’s approval than being her free self. Once she changes her definition of what it is to feel complete, she won’t need a “married” status to define her happiness.

    thanks for writing this post, and for talking about freedom and clean slates! It’s been on my mind too (as you read on my latest post). sending much love!

    1. Felicia, I loved your post on new beginnings and felt we were talking about similar circumstances. You are spot on when you mention that it’s important to define our sense of completeness without requiring the validation of another. Hear, hear! Here’s to happiness defined by our determination to be our own women! Hugs and much love to you! :)

    1. Happy New Year, sweet lady! Yes, Corinne, I’m afraid that most of us have to undergo these or similar circumstances at one point or another in life. If we’re lucky, it makes us stronger. That’s what I’m hoping will be my friend’s case. Wishing you a blessed year filled with health, peace, and love! Kisses to Pablo from Roxy! :)

  8. Wow, Bella, it’s as if you’re writing about me. This all happened to me. And I only starting feeling better with my plight when I took the helm. I took control of my life and reinvented myself, started over and became empowered and stronger. I hope your friend takes heed of your advice. It’s rock solid.

    1. Monica, you are a clear example of how it is possible to triumph over adversity. Look at you now, girlfriend! I bet you your ex wants to kick his own behind whenever he sees or hears how far you’ve come! Isn’t it ironic that oftentimes we have to let go in order to soar? Here’s to flying solo, amiga! :)

    1. Hello and welcome, Valentine! I’m so glad you dropped by and I hope these words will give you something to think about. All is not lost. You still have you. And that’s all that matters! Hang in there! :)

  9. oh yes, dear Bella, you said it well, You Deserve It!!, everybody deserve this kind of things!. Your nice words are not just touching us, but also encouraging us to live our lifes with joy!, hurrah for that.
    besos & feliz año

    1. Oh Mrs. Allnut, I’m so happy to see you! Thank you for your kind words. I hope that anyone who reads this will fill a bit more uplifted when they leave this wee blog. We can be happy even if we’re not part of a couple. Life can be fulfilling and gratifying. After all, it’s what you make of it, right? Besos y feliz año nuevo! :)

  10. Happy New Year, Bella! I hope you’re faring well. An excellent post which struck home as I have many friends that I would say this too, or maybe I’ll just send them your post. Thank you for stating so eloquently what many of us need to say to those who would have the heart to hear it.



    1. Coco, it’s always such a joy to read your warm words! Thank you! I’m so happy that this is not a situation that has bogged you down. Good for you! You are a role model to us all! We should laugh more and cry less over things we cannot control. Don’t you think? Happy New Year, friend! :)

    1. Coco, I am so pleased that you reblogged this post! Thank you! And may I say the thought of you jumping up and down and hugging your lawyer made for quite a chuckle! Oh, to be a fly on the courthouse wall that day! hee hee! :)

  11. I don’t know how I missed this one! But I’m glad I found it now. What wise advice, Bella. This post should be read by every person who is stuck in an unhappy relationship. You have such wisdom!
    And we get the benefits!

    1. Hello Diane! My apologies for the lateness of this reply. It’s been mayhem at the house of Bella as of late! I’m so glad you were able to read this post. It came from the heart and I think it addresses the aspects of being in an unhappy relationship. A visit to your blog is long overdue. Please forgive my absence, my friend. Hugs! :)

  12. You’re a good friend, Bella, and you said exactly the right things. Divorce is a really difficult transition, especially after that many years of marriage. My divorce became final last October after 20 plus years so I can relate. I did a lot of my grieving during the separation (and during the marriage), so on D day I couldn’t stop giggling, quite frankly! But seriously, all of us are stronger than we give ourselves credit for and we all deserve love. <3

    1. Adriene, thank you for your kind words. I want to think I did the right thing. Like you point out, our reactions to divorce are different. I’m so glad you were able to giggle about yours! I remember heaving a big sigh of relief when I walked out of the courtroom the first time around. It literally felt like a heavy weight had been lifted. And most definitely, we all deserve love! :)

    1. Paz, you are the sweetest for checking in on me. I’ve been struggling with life in the last few months. I’m desperately trying to play catch up with everything that has fallen behind in my absence, including this blog. I’m grateful for your kindness, amiga. Thank you so much! :)

    2. Oh, I know the feeling of struggling with life. Keep your head up! I’m sending you good thoughts and will say a prayer. Please give Bella an extra treat on my behalf. xox

    3. Hi Paz! You are a gem among gems! Thank you for checking in on me! I’m getting back on the horse, sweet lady. It’s been uphill but I’m trying to right the cart that is life! Hugs! :)

    4. You can do it! You can right that cart! I made a typo! When I said give Bella an extra treat, I hope you know that I meant, give ROXY an extra treat on my behalf. Ooops! LOL!

  13. Hi Bella, Thank you. I was so in need of words that make sense, the pain feel less and the heart lighter. Your words made this feeling a lil bit more easier to deal with and I can’t be anything other than grateful. Thank you again. My new life begins :)

    1. Fiona, indeed, your new life begins! Hold your head high, pick a point in the horizon and simply follow the path you were meant to be on! You can do this, one step at a time, and you’ll get to where you’re supposed to be. Hugs! :)

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