Are these what you call close encounters of the Speedo kind?

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Dear friends,
I’m very excited to finally publish this post. Why? Because it’s due time we all enjoyed a good laugh.

I confess it wasn’t easy to capture these shots. With the Daughter unable to join me this summer, I didn’t have a decoy. As a result, I got the stink eye from avid Speedo wearers on more than one occasion.

However, not one to stray from my mission, I donned a large hat and sunglasses and pretended I was photographing the Mediterranean sea.

Over, and over, and over.

Some of these shots will make you groan, others will make you cringe, and the last one will restore your faith in men’s ability to select appropriate beach wear.

In the past, earlier Speedo posts have been a bit controversial.
Hence, I want to address the issue by stating the following:

To any reader who thinks it’s his or her right to defend Speedos and the men who wear them, I say, don’t bother. Not only because this post is done in good fun, but also because you are never going to convince me there’s a reason for men to go out in public wearing something that resembles an undersized loincloth. As far as I’m concerned, the only man who’s ever been able to pull off a Speedo has been Michael Phelps, and that’s only because he wore it in a tub. So instead of going on a useless crusade, I suggest you sit back, check out the photos, and chuckle to your heart’s content.

Camouflage attire is a must when going on a Speedo mission.
Camouflage attire is a must when going on a Speedo mission.
Glasses and a hat--the perfect way to disguise you and your companion when a Speedo is in attendance.
Glasses and a hat–the perfect way to disguise you and your companion when you’re wearing a Speedo.
This man gave me the stink eye when I captured his self-made Speedo.
This man gave me the stink eye when I captured his self-made Speedo.
Add a bikini top and this man and his wife look like they're wearing twin suits.
Add a bikini top and this man and his wife look like they’re wearing twin suits.
The self-made Speedo--for those times your real Speedo is in the wash.
The self-made Speedo–for those times your real Speedo is in the wash.
I don't know what's more disturbing, the addition of a yellow swim cap or the emerging butt of the blue Speedo user.
I don’t know what’s more disturbing, the addition of a yellow swim cap or the emerging butt of the blue Speedo user.
Not even a tattoo gives this Speedo an edge.
Not even a tattoo gives this Speedo an edge.
Next up, the  Speedo and back hair combo.
Next up, the Speedo and back hair combo.
This year's hottest trend--the Speedo boy shorts.
This year’s hottest trend–the Speedo boy shorts.
A large tote bag--something to carry the board shorts he should be wearing, perhaps?
A large tote bag–something to carry the board shorts he should be wearing, perhaps?
When you manage to pry your eyes away from the six pack, I urge you to look at what stylish and appropriate beach wear looks like.
When you manage to pry your eyes away from the six pack, I urge you to look at what stylish and appropriate beach wear looks like.

When and where was your last Speedo encounter?

XOXO,

Where, oh where is the one that got away?

beach 2

We all have one.

Thoughts of what if allow our minds to wander.

We play house, picture ourselves living in different lands, different continents.

Closing our eyes, we see ourselves carrying out the role of wife, mother, lover.

We drift.
We dream.
We yearn.

And for a couple of brief moments, we think how different our lives would be.

The one that got away.

The one we thought we were destined to be with, grow old with.

We question why it didn’t work out.
Why we’re not in his life.
Why we let him go.

We curse destiny.
Scream profanities at fate.
Demand the universe give us answers.

Where is he?
Why did he go?
Why did we let him get away?

We think of a time when we were inseparable.

A time when his voice gave us goose bumps, when his laughter left us breathless, when his touch turned us into liquid butter.

A time when we were happy.

Staring out into the sea this morning, I experienced the shifting of worlds.

Slowly walking into the water, my mind waved goodbye to my body and effortlessly traveled to another place in time.

A whimsical place, bathed in sunlight, and bright colors.

The place where my heart told me I was destined to be.

One where he and I equaled two.

Two people in love.
Together.
Always.

No leaving.
No chasing.
No getting away.

A trio of children splash water nearby.

I open my eyes and realize I’ve left the alternate reality where he lives; where we live.

A deep sigh fills my lungs with air.

I breathe in the present.

A salty tear falls softly, intermingling with the salty water below.

The one that got away.
The one who left me breathless.
The one who made my heart sing.

He drifts further away.

Hands outstretched, I reach out.

And once again, he gets away.

The Mediterranean Sea.

Powerful inducer of dreams.
Formidable fantasy spinner.
Brilliant creator of what should have been.

Taking one last look at this lovely lady, I swim back to shore.

beach 1

beach 3

What prompts you to think of the one that got away?

Dreaming in sunny Spain,

Who says you have to be in Barbados to sunbathe?

Roxy and Manolito

Clearly he had once again exercised selective hearing.

I had said, “I have to send the Sister a package and I need you to buy a roll of parcel paper.”

He had only heard “wrapping paper.”

The proof lay on the table: a roll of Mickey Mouse gift wrapping paper, no less.

As I hobbled to the kitchen to make a pot of coffee, I sighed heavily at my continued inability to do things myself.

“Delegate,” the doctor had said, “and stay off that knee.”

It was obvious she didn’t know about the Significant Other’s selective hearing strategy.

Limping back to the living room, I took solace in the coffee’s delicate aroma.

Making my way into the room, I spotted Roxy standing by the staircase.

Thinking she was looking for Manolo, her stuffed cat, I settled on the couch to read a few pages of a new book.

Ten minutes later, I noticed that Roxy was still standing in the same spot.

As I crept closer to see what she was doing, I discovered that she was sunbathing.

Standing upright, laying her head on one of the stairs, our little Miss had discovered the sunniest and warmest spot in the room.

Roxy sun 1

Roxy sun 2

Smiling, I made my way back to the table and picked up the wrapping paper.

If Roxy had been wise enough to know that you don’t have to be on an exotic beach on Barbados to soak up the sun’s rays, I too could find a way to effectively use Mickey Mouse gift wrapping paper.

And I did.

I turned the paper over and wrapped the box effortlessly.

The outline of Mickey’s dapper figure was slightly visible, but I was certain the European postal office wouldn’t quibble about it.

Whoever said furry friends can’t teach humans a thing or two, never met Roxy.

Roxy's probably thinking, I just made it into your blog post, didn't I?
Roxy’s probably thinking, I just made it into your blog post, didn’t I?
Roxy and Manolo (As in the Manolo Blahnik's I can't afford but still dream about).
Roxy and Manolo (As in the Manolo Blahnik’s I can’t afford but still dream about).
It's not Barbados, but it's still warm!
It’s not Barbados, but it’s still warm!

What has your furry friend taught you?