Why won’t you watch Fast Five?

Vin Diesel

Significant Other: Give me one good reason you won’t even consider watching “Fast Five” with me.

Me: I’ll give you five: 1) It has no plot 2) I can’t stand hearing you say “sweet ride” 3) I have no interest in cars, car chases or car thieves 4) It stars Vin Diesel who looks like Humpty Dumpty on steroids and 5) It stars Vin Diesel.

Significant Other: I could’ve given you ten reasons for not watching “Eat, Pray, Sleep” and I still watched it.

Me: Don’t you mean “Eat, Pray, Love?”

Significant Other: I wouldn’t know. I fell asleep after “Eat.”

Me: Good one, but I’m still not going.

Significant Other: Come on! It’ll be fun. Imagine…the cars, the action, the explosions! Did I mention the cars?

Me: I don’t know. I tuned out after “It’ll be fun.”

Significant Other: I don’t know why I bother. This isn’t a chick flick. It’s a man’s film; filled with testosterone, excitement. It really gets your blood going.

Me: Maybe you should pitch that to pharmaceutical companies endorsing erectile dysfunction medication.

Significant Other: Maybe you should do some stand up comedy.

Me: Now there’s a plan. I can joke about how you squealed with delight when you found out Arnold is leaving politics and relaunching his movie career at the age of 70.

Significant Other: Hey, he’s the ultimate terminator.

Me: I’m the ultimate terminator and I’m terminating this conversation.

Significant Other: Fine. I’ll invite you to the movies again when they make a sequel to the English Patient.

Me: Why, so you can ask me “When is this thing over?” a million times again?

Significant Other: No, so I can repay three hours of sleep debt.

Me: Too bad you don’t have the finesse to appreciate a good film.

Significant Other: Too bad you were the only person awake in the theater.

Me: Whatever. Methinks you shouldn’t waste time watching films of cars you’re never going to own.

Significant Other: Methinks you should stop watching cooking shows of food you’re never going to cook.

Me: You’re this close to having frozen pizza for dinner.

Significant Other: You’re this close to not getting a shoulder rub.

Significant Other: Are you going to watch “Fast Five” with me?

Me: Do you want to watch “Fast five ways to cook your own dinner?”

Significant Other: Let’s call this one a draw.

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Is there sexual chemistry in The Tourist?

So I saw the film “The Tourist” last night.

I saw it in spite of the fact that I’m not an Angelina Jolie fan (even if I’m crazy about Johnny Depp).

However, this sexy man is not what drove me to see this flick. Instead, I went to verify if what the critics are saying is true.

And what are the critics saying, you may ask?

That there’s absolutely no sexual chemistry between Angelina and Johnny.

Loud gasps are heard.

Totally wanting to be the judge or whether this is true or not, I bought tickets for the significant other and myself.

The verdict? I would be hard pressed to affirm whether there was any chemistry or not given Jolie’s character and Depp’s only exchange one or two insipid kisses.

The significant other, completely devastated at the absence of a steamy shower sex scene that he claimed was supposed to have been part of the script, gave both actors a zero in sexual chemistry.

“Not fair,” I argued. “We should at least give them a one for the half-assed kiss they exchanged in one of the scenes.”

“The one where she almost swallows him whole with her blow fish lips?”

“That’s the one.”

“Okay, give ’em a one.”

But seriously ladies, the reason the critics don’t feel there’s any sexual chemistry is cause there is no sex in the film. It’s lacking in anything that even remotely resembles sexual tension.

There’s a part in the film where Depp’s character is supposed to open a safe and before he does, Angelina mouths out, or attempts to whisper something to him.

I was convinced she mouthed out, “Five, twelve, two.” The combination number to the safe?

However, what she’s really mouthing is “I love you.” That’s how much chemistry there was.

And while Johnny Depp is smokin’ hot, somehow he doesn’t do much for me in this film.

His hair looks like it hasn’t been washed in a week, he’s sporting a scraggly beard and he’s kind of doing that Pirates of the Caribbean voice of his that I find so annoying.

But worst of all? They’ve got him wearing pajamas. Yes, ladies, pajamas. Shudder.

As for Angelina, she’s weighing all of ninety pounds and looking so emaciated that half way through the film, I wanted to call for an intermission so someone could feed the poor woman a cheeseburger.

I swear all you could focus on were her gigantic lips and protruding collar-bone.

There’s one scene where the camera does a close up of her ass, or lack of, and I had to struggle with the significant other who continued to loudly exclaim, “That’s it. I want my money back. This woman has no ass.”

Where in the world had the fit and sexy Laura Croft gone and who was this living skeleton?

Trust me, it was scary.

Oh, and did I mention the lack of action in the supposed “action” scenes? Nada. Zero. Zilch.

There’s a boat scene where the bad guys are chasing Angelina and Depp and halfway through it, I found my head jerking backwards, like when you fall asleep for a second and your brain wakes you up to avoid your neck from snapping?

That’s how boring the action was.

Lack of action and bad aesthetics aside, the film does have its quirky moments. I counted two times where we were able to half chuckle.

Thank goodness for Paul Bettany and the amazing, beautiful shots of Venice.

The significant other give it a half thumbs up. I give it one thumb down.

Have you seen the film? If so, what did you think of it?