Significant Other: Give me one good reason you won’t even consider watching “Fast Five” with me.
Me: I’ll give you five: 1) It has no plot 2) I can’t stand hearing you say “sweet ride” 3) I have no interest in cars, car chases or car thieves 4) It stars Vin Diesel who looks like Humpty Dumpty on steroids and 5) It stars Vin Diesel.
Significant Other: I could’ve given you ten reasons for not watching “Eat, Pray, Sleep” and I still watched it.
Me: Don’t you mean “Eat, Pray, Love?”
Significant Other: I wouldn’t know. I fell asleep after “Eat.”
Me: Good one, but I’m still not going.
Significant Other: Come on! It’ll be fun. Imagine…the cars, the action, the explosions! Did I mention the cars?
Me: I don’t know. I tuned out after “It’ll be fun.”
Significant Other: I don’t know why I bother. This isn’t a chick flick. It’s a man’s film; filled with testosterone, excitement. It really gets your blood going.
Me: Maybe you should pitch that to pharmaceutical companies endorsing erectile dysfunction medication.
Significant Other: Maybe you should do some stand up comedy.
Me: Now there’s a plan. I can joke about how you squealed with delight when you found out Arnold is leaving politics and relaunching his movie career at the age of 70.
Significant Other: Hey, he’s the ultimate terminator.
Me: I’m the ultimate terminator and I’m terminating this conversation.
Significant Other: Fine. I’ll invite you to the movies again when they make a sequel to the English Patient.
Me: Why, so you can ask me “When is this thing over?” a million times again?
Significant Other: No, so I can repay three hours of sleep debt.
Me: Too bad you don’t have the finesse to appreciate a good film.
Significant Other: Too bad you were the only person awake in the theater.
Me: Whatever. Methinks you shouldn’t waste time watching films of cars you’re never going to own.
Significant Other: Methinks you should stop watching cooking shows of food you’re never going to cook.
Me: You’re this close to having frozen pizza for dinner.
Significant Other: You’re this close to not getting a shoulder rub.
Significant Other: Are you going to watch “Fast Five” with me?
Me: Do you want to watch “Fast five ways to cook your own dinner?”