Have you seen these underpants?

Hello ladies!

Today I want to share another one of my early posts.

One that I feel or hope, will resonate with a lot of you.

I say hope because I truly cannot endure the thought that I’m alone in the quest to find the perfect pair of underpants.

That said, I give you:

Have you seen these underpants?

cc licensed flickr photo shared by whizchickenonabun

I have lost count of how many times I’ve walked into a department store full of hope, lowered expectations, and a wad full of cash ready to fork over for the right pair of underpants.

Forget the Spanx and other contraptions that promise to give you a smooth, no-line, shapely look.

We all know that no matter what, these just end up making us look like a badly encased sausage.

(And lets not forget the pulled muscles, torn ligaments and strained backs that have resulted from trying to wrestle all of our human meat into them.)

The underpants I’m talking about are delicate, non-constraining, made of soft organic cotton, without frills, but don’t look like a parachute.

They’re as elusive as the holy grail, but that doesn’t prevent me from trying to find them.

Time and time again, I relinquish my money and gently carry the bag home that holds the pair that might be “The One.”

The minute I walk through the door, I carefully open the bag to unveil my latest discovery.

I then quickly peel off all my clothes and put them on.

At first, the results seem promising.

The color is perfect.

The material is baby soft and my crotch appears to breathe without the help of a medical device.

However, the minute I squat, I know something is wrong.

As I glance at myself in the full length mirror (which I have to say, makes me a very brave woman,) I notice the waistband of the underpants has disappeared.

Where the heck has it gone?

And voila!

One turn in the mirror provides the answer.

My belly has literally gobbled it up.

Sadly, I remove the offensive garment, throw it in the ever-growing pile of rejects, and pour myself a glass of wine.

In all my naked glory I make a toast for what could have been, but alas, was not.

I hold my glass high and make another toast.

“The fight isn’t over,” I shout.

“I’m still on the quest and I shall find you!”

Half a bottle of wine later, I sit down at my desk and inscribe the brand, model, size, color and the store where the useless underpants were purchased.

I notice how the list now holds 535 entries; entries which trigger awful, but funny memories.

Entries like:

Entry #17-Animal print lycra-Gave me welts that almost required medical attention.

Entry #103- Hot pink lace-Literally tore the second they went past my knees.

Entry #165-Red cotton thong-Gave me a wedgie so painful, they forced me to tug at them in public, only to realize a minute later that the handsome stranger standing behind me at the supermarket, had witnessed the entire process.

Entry #178-Neon green mesh-Nearly cut off the blood flow to my femoral artery.

Yes, the right pair of underpants is as mythical as a unicorn and yet, I push on.

Sword drawn, teeth barred, and determination in my stance.

I surge forward.

Because ladies, lets face it.

The right pair of underpants is out there and if located, we sisters know we shall worship at the altar of the woman who finds them.

Any takers to join me on this quest?


18 thoughts on “Have you seen these underpants?

  1. I for one want a pair like the sketch. How cute would those be. I love, love, Lane Bryant underwear. When on sale i stock up. Seriously the person who invented the thong should be shot.

    1. Una, I’m with you on that one! I think I’ve worn one thong only once in this lifetime and never again! The torture! The angst! Whoever thinks this contraption makes them feel sexy needs to visit a therapist! :)

  2. The night after having my third baby a nurse was helping me get out of my gown and into my own clothes. She saw my undies and said “Oh you are smart, bringing your granny panties; these young girls think they can squeeze back into their cute stuff right after the baby pops out.” Those granny panties WERE my cute stuff. Slow, single tear slides down cheek. Curse you underwear!

    1. Heidi, between you and me, and now whoever visits this webpage, I have one favorite pair of “granny” underpants that I won’t ever give up. They’re “this” close to being “the one” if only it weren’t for the fact they’re the ugly color of puce! hee hee!

    1. Esther, maybe we should start a support group! :) God knows I need a little “support” after wearing Spanx for a whole day!

  3. You know what’s really comfy? Wearing your husband’s undies. I do that when all mine are in the hamper. They’re so cottony, soft, and big.

    1. Haha! You had me laughing with this one, Jann! I have worn mens’ boxers to lounge around the house and double up as shorts cause you’re right, they are darn comfy!

  4. I was so upset the last time I went to Victoria’s secret. They used to have great quality cute comfy cotton panties, and they hit just the right spot on my tummy, making it look a little flatter. I bought a ton… but at some point over the last few years they changed the fabric to this flimsy crap.

    Maybe the old ones held up too well for VS’s profit margins! Rrrr…

    I still have not found decent replacements. My undies are held together with a prayer while I’m on my quest.

    1. You’re preaching to the choir lady–cause a prayer is the only thing holding together the only good-fitting underwear I have left. You know, I have never been able to find comfortable undies at Vickie’s Secret. I think her secret is that any full figured woman daring to buy her underwear will be tortured. So tempted as I am to wear the PINK slogan across my derriere, I pass. Life’s too short to spend pulling out wedgies. hee hee! Do let me know if you unearth the holy grail of undies though. I shall continue my search here on this side of the world and keep you posted!

  5. You are so right. I admire your strength to carry on looking. I don’t look for the sake of it, but sometimes on a whim when I am feeling brave, fearless almost, I wander of the section of department store… breath held in, anticipation building…..hoping, hoping, hoping.. Then I slump. On a side note, I am sitting at my desk reading determined to finish editing something and decide to give my self a little treat and read Bella first… this post, altho, true, was funny and the laugh that escaped work up the significant other and annoyed my fat cat. The spandex description – priceless. I bought those once and almost had to call 911 – forget being a sausage, I was sweating bullets by the time I had ’em hiked up over my bum. Couldn’t breathe.

    1. Brenda, I know the Spandex feeling well! And yet like a true masochist, I keep throwing them on again! Call it my obsession to not show any fatty rolls or my love for anything that has Oprah’s seal of approval. Really, sometimes I don’t know what moves me! :) Girl, you had me chuckling with your comment! I love how you make me laugh! :)

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